Online SS13-Themed DnD

[Bologna Prime]

Fisk, I'm hanging out on roll20 for a bit and I'm all alone here, if you see this and have the time I'd like for you to drop in.

[FishDance]

Due to three really important and massive coinciding midterms I won't be able to DM today, as much as I'd love to hang out I'm far too busy today, super sorry guys!

[DyssalC]

The summary will be up later today, it's mostly done.
Also double posting imminent.

[DyssalC]

Word Alert! Word Alert! Words Incoming!
If at any point I use something like "I" or "We" or "Us" when referring to the team then just ignore it. Same goes for grammatical errors, syntax errors, or straight up vocabulary errors. This is too many words to proof read more than once.


Job Hunt
Upon reaching the research sector the team decided to snoop around and be sketchy for a while.
After being really sketchy they discovered a canister bomb, which appears to be armed and counting down.
They were offered 1000 credits to disarm the bomb.
The long and short of it is that you can't get payed by a pile of gibs that's floating around in space.
After surviving a massive bomb that happened to have an explosive radius the exact same size as the room it was in, the team did more snooping!
There snooping eventually took them to a group of telescience dweebs.
The dweebs told the team to come back on MONDAY and they'd be heading out.
Resisting the urge to murder and rob the dweebs, the team moved on to a pressing matter that they discovered in a maintenance tunnel behind telescience.

The Dating Game, or How Valterak Got B&d
Before the team stood 3 Lia Allman's, and 1 Not Lia Allman.
The Not Lia Allman gave the team the task of horribly murdering two of the Lia's and leaving one alive.
There was a catch, though: Killing THE REAL LIA would result in a swift punishment, and we had to ask them questions in order to decipher who the real Lia was.
Queue the team asking some really dumb questions, like "What color are my pants" and "Will you go on a date with me".
In the end the team gave the ability to make the decision of who dies and who lives to somebody who thought it would be a good idea to kill all 3 of them.
This resulted in Valterak, the decision maker, to getting a swift ban.
His first attempt at getting unbanned wasn't actually an attempt to get unbanned, he just tried to evade the ban, but that didn't work because he still had his same name.
His second attempt was appealing the ban, but the GorillaMyDreams called him a dweeb and invited the normal users to call him a dweeb too.
Finally, after bitching on IRC for a while, Valterak was unbanned and the adventure could continue.

Debugging the- God Damnit Fish
The team heard from a couple of dweebs that there were some issues in the AI core that needed some solving.
Assuming that "solving" meant "severe murderizing", the team made their way towards what they were pretty sure was the AI core.
They encountered a slight snag with a security dweeb who didn't want them messing around in the AI core for some reason, but they bullshitted their way in there.
After gaining entrance to the sec checkpoint separating the AI core from your average scrubs, the team finds out from a sec guy that the AI core is pretty buggy, and that they need somebody to debug it.
Assuming that "debug" meant "viciously smash crush kill", the team took the job and was allowed into the AI core.
Upon entering the AI core the team immediately saw the problem: It was filled with god damn roaches.
They immediately set upon the roaches, power stomping, body slamming, karate chopping, and elbow dropping the shit out of the roaches.
However, none of that mattered because the god of life and death had lost his power and could do nothing, and thus the team was left to their own devices.
Being left to their own devices was clearly a bad thing, as the team vandalized the shit out of the AI core with graffiti, even going as far as to draw a mural of a giant bee flying towards the twin towers.
Never forget.

Back on Trac- What the Fuck
After standing around in the AI core for about a week in a coma, the team regains their senses and prepares to deb-
What the fuck?
The team finds themselves standing in a rocky ravine, filled with darkness.
The team struggles to find a light in the darkness, but eventually find one in the flash on Valterak's camera.
After stumbling around for a while a mysterious foe opens fire on them!
Oh shit it's a crossbow bolt!
Oh shit it's a... gobbo?
What the fuck?
After fucking the gobbo up a bit it retreats down a dark dank hallway.
Another crossbow bolt from behind! Ambush!
The team makes quick work of the second foe, and makes a torch so they don't have to keep using a god damn camera for light.
After going down the dark dank hallway they come to a door that looks a lot like a wall, but it's a door shutup.
After knocking and speaking gibberish to the door, nothing happens.
Then, as the team is about to kick the door down, it swings wide open, giving the 3 gobbos with crossbows on the other side the perfect opening.
Too bad they were trash and got destroyed.
After fumbling around a room with grey floor, grey walls, grey furniture, and grey doors they find their way to the a hallway, and take the first door they see.

Sarah McLachlan Would Be Outraged
In the room they find more grey and a woof!
David, the torch-bearer, lit the woof on fire, burning it to death like the cold-blooded animal-hating monster he really is.
Then Valterak fed the still burning dead wolf a strange reagent pill, so it could die a second horrible death, proving to be an even colder-blooded and bigger animal-hating monster than David.
Steve, the third member of the team, watched in horror, fearing this would be his fate when the cold embrace of the space reaper came for him.
After wiping their hands of the whole ordeal the team searched the room, only to discover something amazing: A giant fucking S.
However, this was no ordinary S, this S was a secret door!
The S lead them to another grey hallway that seemingly lead nowhere.
However, after a bit of searching, the team found ANOTHER big fucking S that lead to the perfect position to ambush a D-Orc!
And ambush the D-Orc they did, his brains were nice and bashed.
But then, out of the darkness, another D-Orc charged at us with his weapon...
...and ran right into a wall, either knocking himself out or being kept down from the weight of the shame. Some night-vision they got there.
After stepping over the humiliated and concussed D-Orc, the team continued on, finding yet another big fucking S, which, surprise, was another big dumb door.
This time the door lead to a hallway, filled with doors that, similarly to the secret doors, looked like walls, but weren't highlighted with a big fucking S.
After choosing the path of least resistance, they entered a room with a couple of coffins and some locked doors.
After doing some crack deduction work, they decide that the best way to unlock the door is to desecrate the coffins in hopes that somebody was put in them with the exact keys to those doors.

The Spooky Skeleton and The Dancing Burr
The team set out to desecrate as many coffins as they could, which was technically 4 because there were only 4.
After opening the second coffin and throwing his back out, Valterak discovered something horrible... terrible...
A purple flower, which he promptly eats out of fear, which then hurts him because it was deadly nightshade you stupid idiot.
Oh and then they found a skeleton with a golden mace in one of the coffins.
Valterak, after constantly whining about needing a new weapon, is presented with one: A powerful golden mace, wielded by a rude skeletal dude!
He immediately engages in combat with the skeleton, but fumbles around with his fists and keeps punching the spaces between his bones, so he calls Steve to fight it instead!
However, before the skeleton can be murdered, he performs a magic spell! Wizard Skeleton!
The spell melts the gold mace and plates the skeleton in the gold!
Gilded Skeleton Wizard!
This, however, didn't make the skeleton stronger, or even more durable, it simply pissed off Valterak.
After defeating the skeleton, Valterak decided to big up a gold bone, but the gold bone was cursed and became bound to his hand.
With the skeleton dead and no keys to be found, the team makes a startling discovery: There way actually an unlocked door in the corner the whole time, it just looked like a wall.
The team enters the room only to discover a caged sleeping burr, and a caged woof and hooman.
Oh yeah they were supposed to rescue the hooman, that was why they were there, wish somebody told this guy that.
After finding both doors were locked they decided to try and bend the bars, which actually worked.
Then, after bending the bars, they discover some keys hanging on the wall! Fuck!
Valterak, trying to repent for his heinous crimes against the previous woof, decides to give the woof the golden bone.
The woof is then pulled straight into hell for an eternity of torture and damnation.
Literally worse than Hitler.
The team then decided that opening the burr's cage was a good idea, and Steve though it would be an ever BETTER idea to pet the burr.
It was a good pet, and the burr awoke, and greeted the team with a song from its boombox!

Is this a reference or something? Who knows!
After listening to the song, the team pockets the hooman and skedaddles out of there.
After trying the prison keys on the other locked door in the skeleton room they discover that they do in fact work on that door and that is in fact a door and not a wall that looks like a door that looks like a wall.
After stumbling around in the dark for a while the team finds... the exit! Woooooo! Mission success!

Debugging the- You Know What, Fuck It. Pun Ruined.
With all that nerd shit behind them the team gets back to doing what they do best, trying to look cool while fighting enemies significantly weaker than them and failing.
After suplexing, cross chopping, uppercutting, and knee dropping the defenseless roaches in the AI upload, the team moves on to the AI core, where the TRUE threat lies.
In the AI core the team finds a gang of Ag-Roaches and a RoboRoach! Truly forces to be reckoned with.
The fight of the century begins, with Steve shaking his fist at the RoboRoach similarly to how a crotchety old man would and scaring it shitless.
However, the fight doesn't stay in their favor for long, though, as the roaches begin to eat David alive! Oh god the humanity!
The team struggles to even hit the clicky-clacky motherfuckers with all their skittering and scuttling!
The team is forced to resort to unorthodox tactics!
Valterak punts one of the roaches across the room and onto a table, where he tries to Tom and Jerry that shit!
David coaxes a roach into his science ball he materialized into existence with his mind and keeps it for a pet!
After splatting the remaining Ag-Roaches, the RoboRoach finally calms himself down and engages the team in combat!
With David in near critical condition, the team decides to end the fight in the quickest way they know possible: A hug out.
The team crowded around the RoboRoach and immediately began hugging it, attempting to have it let out all of its pent up emotions and anger!
Instead the RoboRoach gets weirded out and scuttles underneath the AI core, never to be seen again.
The team reports their success to the officer who hired them, and after some hard bargaining they head out to search for even MORE adventures!

I Finally Understand Why the Nicolas Cage Mask is There
The team suddenly remembers that they were supposed to be at telesci on Monday, and it happened to be Monday.
They quickly make their way to telesci and find themselves alone, with the portal to the telesci location open.
They immediately realize that it was the Monday prior to that Monday that they were supposed to be there, but everything was probably fine.
Memories of their previous telesci adventure fresh in their minds, they stepped through the portal, ready for frostbite, lava burns, walls with teeth, or whatever else could be thrown their way!
Instead of those things they find themselves in a small room with a rusty airlock, some unpowered doors, and a messed up APC.
With the assistance of David's science roach, the team makes their way out of the room, only to be greeted by dead telesci dweebs.
Stepping over/looting/ignoring the corpses along the way, the team proceeds to loot the shit out of everything they can get to, including gold bars, weed, a monkey shaped like a wrench, and other things!
However, the curiosity of David and Steve get the best of them, and they find themselves in a room overgrown with kudzu and trees.
Then, out of fucking nowhere (or more likely a portal to hell) a god damn horde of wasps charges the pair!
Meanwhile, Valterak is looting shit and not fighting things.
The two try to fend off the wasps with torches and claws, but to their dismay the wasps were armored! For fucks sake!
Meanwhile Valterak is engaging in combat with a snack machine.
Steve is turned into a pin cushion by several bees, and David accidentally loses his grip on his torch, sending it flying into the trees and setting the whole damn place on fire!
Meanwhile Valterak is busy eating all the snacks from the broken snack machine.
Steve and David make a tactical retreat out of the room, as the flames consume some of the wasps, and terribly injure the others!
Meanwhile Valterak is battling with obesity and possibly diabetes from eating too many snacks.
With Steve near death David fights off the remaining wasps, sending them back to hell.
Meanwhile Valterak is taking weight-loss supplements to deal with his weight problem.
Filled with holes and wasp venom, Steve hobbles into a dorm room and lies down while David makes some anti-histamines for him!
Meanwhile Valterak is yelling at them to hurry up and get to the elevator at the end of the hallway.
A close call for the team, even for Valterak. Heart disease can be just as deadly as giant angry armored space wasps.

A Fitting Place To Die
After realizing the elevator was lazy and didn't want to move them to the next level the team decided to just climb up the shaft and hope they didn't fall.
After walking through a bolted open door the team found themselves in a very comfy room, equipped with big comfy chairs, a large wooden table, a roaring fireplace, drink dispensers, and even the constant pitter-patter of rain against the high-density alloy walls of the structure they were in, with the occasional flash of lightning followed by the roar of thunder.
Also a big fukken robot.
After talking and messing with the robot for a while the team discovers that this place has something to do with ecto energy, which kind of sounds like something from that kid's show "Danny Phantom" or some shit.
The robot escorts them to the end of the hall, but tells them to go no further, as the way before them is too dangerous.
The team, however, did not know the definition of dangerous, though if they did they probably wouldn't have ended up in this shitty situation of being hunted/jobless to begin with.
They sent the robot off to perform an impossible task, create a lava lamp out of stuff in the comfy room, a task that he did not return to them from.
With their robotic observer out of the picture the team explored the area for a bit, finding Valterak's family in the process, a bunch of bloated, rotten green, disgusting, smelly, foul corpses. And they're nerds.
After hurting Valterak's feelings, the team finally decides to investigate the courtyard, which turns out to actually be a cemetery.
After investigating very little besides the big dumb crashed satellite, which seemed to be warping the time around it, slowing everything down to a halt to the point that the rain drops had even stopped falling and were floating in midair, the team found a ladder that lead deep into the heart of the cemetery, which they promptly descended.
Finding themselves in what appeared to be the spookiest fucking crypts ever, the team separates in accordance with horror movie cliches so they can die more easily.
This wish as granted, as one half of the 3 person team (not 1.5 though, that would be terrible, just round up) ran into a group of NanoTrasen Operatives, and the odd man out got ambushed by two of them!
A bloody battle ensued, with close calls and cannibalism and all that good stuff, it even smelled like bacon from all the phaser burns.
After being reduced to a bloody pulp, the NanoTrasen Operatives ceased to be alive, but it was a crypt so all the dead bodies lying on the floor was fine.
However, the team was not faring so well themselves, except for the cannibal chef Valterak, who's constant gorging on dead bodies and absurd amounts of health kept him alive through all the fights.
After taking a salt tablet the team gets back on their feet and proceeds to the chamber at the end of the crypt, with an odd sense of dread hovering over them.

Beauty and the BEEst
As the door to the chamber slides open the team is immediately greeted by a scene of pure horror: A circle of blood, viscera and gore, spread out in a ritualistic manner, with an uneasy bee in the center of it all, and standing next to the circle setting things up is a NanoTrasen bigwig.
The NanoTrasen General briefly mentions something about a master plan, but before giving up any important information he takes a handful of purple dust and tosses it into the circle.
In a flash of light the bee in the center of the circle is transformed into a horrifying monstrosity of Lion and Bee!
The team immediately knocks out the NanoTrasen General in order to deal with the larger threat, but immediately discovers that the Monstrosity is more concerned with ripping apart the General instead of fighting the team.
It's at this point that David realizes he has a PhD in demonology, and knows how to reverse the transformation.
The team pulls together a sacrifice of value, a gold bar, a container, an empty packet of pro-puffs, and an empty vessel, the horribly maimed and dead General.
With the BeeLion nearly dead it was now or never to reverse the transformation and save the poor Bee, but something was wrong: One of the candles around the ritual circle had been blown out.
In a close call, the candle was re-lit before the BeeLion had the chance to rip anybody else apart, and turned back into a cute little bee.
Feeling bad for the scurred bee, Steve decided to take the bee with them, and appropriately names it "Buzz Kill".
As the team scours the battlefield for loot, they discover a piece of paper on the dead NanoTrasen General.
The paper appears to be a list of names in the form of a flowchart, with all names flowing from a singular point on the chart: "???".
That wasn't all, though. One of the names on the list was Commander Blackhawk, the teams ex-employer who tried to have them and their handler slaughtered after completing their last mission.

The End of Procrastination
After making their way out of the crypt the team decides to investigate the graveyard a bit more than the previously did, which just means they actually investigated it.
The first room they search contains a sleeping guard, who they promptly murderized, and a restrained telesci dweeb with a guilty conscience.
The dweeb tells them that she was captured by the NanoTrasen agent and was being held there, and that there were more in the crypts up ahead.
When the team informs them that they already know this and already murderized them they are unimpressed, and end up leaving with the impression that the team is a bunch of assholes, though it's uncertain why they would ever think that.
The team makes their way back to their robot friend, and begin searching the area they're in for food, but leave as soon as they find out that their robot friend is a NanoTrasen robot designed to transmit data every 10 minutes.
After climbing down the elevator shaft and going back through the portal to the station the team decided it's time to deal with the problem they've been putting off for quite a while.
With this they make their way back to the kitchen, where a capable foe awaits them...

Fall of the Gourmet Episode 2
pretend the chapter title where the team fought the chef in the first campaign was "Fall of the Gourmet" and not "Fall of the Gourmand" I'm not always paying attention when I type
Upon reaching the kitchen the team immediately gets to work, swinging open the freezer door...
...and gazing upon the great slumbering Wendigo King, and his cohort of ice spiders.
The Wendigo King, in a trance like sleep, doesn't notice the team, but the spiders do.
The team fought valiantly against the frozen arachnids, employing advanced refrigerator tactics to gain the upper-hand.
However, with the spiders defeated, the slumbering wendigo king awakens, and in a groggy haze lumbers towards the team.
The team tried to wake up Don Geon to help them in their fight, but he was too afraid and hid from the beast.
David, the team marksman, began plinking the Wendigo King with tranquilizer darts, keeping it groggy enough that it doesn't go berserk, all the while the chef who, despite not fighting, provides support with combat cookies that heal the team during the grueling battle.
However, suddenly and abruptly, the Wendigo King becomes alert and angry, and plowing through the team with little resistance.
Just as things were looking bad for the the team they gained the upper-hand, lighting the Wendigo King on fire and pushing him to the brink of death.
The Wendigo King, a blind and desperate fury, looks for the nearest target, and spots Joe the chef, who had been supporting them with cookies.
In only a few powerful blows Joe is cut down, mercilessly and brutally.
The team immediately brought an end to the Wendigo King, but at the cost of a good friend.
Bummed out and barely breathing, the team informs Don that the Wendigo King has been slain and that they want their payment.
After some haggling the team profits with an ornate revolver, 2 speed loaders of ammo, and 4000 credits.
With a sense of accomplishment and a hint of sadness the team sets out to search for...

...A Place to Call Home
The team needed somewhere they could kick-back and relax at the end of a long, murder filled day.
In this search they found a small room with wood floors, comfy chairs, a mysterious NanoMed, and really jank bed.
The only problem was that it was currently occupied by a rude barber, who swirlied David for no reason at all.
The only course of action was simple: Kill the barber and have Valterak eat the body.
And that was what they did, thus establishing the barbershop as their "home base".
Finally, after going through all sorts of shit, the team gets to have an ACTUAL rest that isn't sleeping in a sink or on a toilet or in a bathtub or standing comatose in a room or passing out in the bar.
Well, some of them. There was only one real bed and that went to Buzz Kill, and everybody else decided to sleep in either a comfy chair, a barber chair, or a crate in the back room. But still, it's better than most conditions they've experienced up to this point.

[PlainInsane]

would like to point out that it was fucking David that gave that woof the strange reagent pill, not me. I just wanted to pet it.

[DyssalC]

would like to point out that it was fucking David that gave that woof the strange reagent pill, not me. I just wanted to pet it.

Ey, my memory isn't always the best. It happened like two weeks ago, and I didn't feel like checking the logs.

[FishDance]

Jesus Steve, you just wrote 4000 words. You deserve a medal. Also no that song wasn't a reference to anything it's just what I had playin when I was hangin with you lot.

[DyssalC]

That shit got tense last session. I didn't want to have to fight Val, but shit, 6.75k creds, man. Can't be fucking with a mercenaries money.

[PlainInsane]

I REALLY JUST WANTED TO BUY US A POD JEEZ.

[david2222121]

Use your words next time, and don't just run off with everyone's money, despite our insistence that you give us our cut then.

I also just really like inter-party drama.

[DyssalC]

Use your words next time, and don't just run off with everyone's money, despite our insistence that you give us our cut then.

I also just really like inter-party drama.

It'll make the write-up look better, and easier to come up with a title for the section. One or two more sessions and I'll have enough to do another write-up.

[FishDance]

It has come to my attention that there are a lot of people who eat big birds tomorrow instead of doing productive things. Should we cancel GD? I can still hang out with you guys but that's just me.

[DyssalC]

It has come to my attention that there are a lot of people who eat big birds tomorrow instead of doing productive things. Should we cancel GD? I can still hang out with you guys but that's just me.

My Thanksgiving situation is more like a Brunch sort of deal, so I can completely make it if everybody is good to go.

Also Fish please hit-up the D20 thing so I can ask you questions and quite possibly call you rude names.

[david2222121]

I highly doubt I'll be around to play, but who knows! I might accidentally get myself disowned and get to come home early.

[DyssalC]

You probably already caught wind but Val said he'd be around.