How did you last die

[crasscrab]

shot myself with russian revolver after pissing off a couple of people.

[Saxophone Jones]

I was a late-joining traitor. I, being the terrible traitor that I am, decided to take someone's advice and use a chameleon projector to turn myself into a living ass.

I then proceed to go around the station yelling into my headset microphone and referring to myself as "assman" and "the ass" doing absolutely nothing of interest until the HoP harasses me and steals my emag.

And then I decide I'm a bit tired of being the assman and decide to have a dramatic ending to the story of the ass. So I go down to arrivals and have a long monologue.

Code:

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "The ass... the ass is not what it used to be."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "It is a shadow... of it's former self."

A tear crawls down the ass' cheek.

Tyrone Saxophone Jones asks, "Can I truly be called... the ass?"

Tyrone Saxophone Jones asks, "Or am I just... an ass?"

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "Perhaps the world does not need asses anymore..."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones asks, "Perhaps the ass age has passed."
Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "Yes... it is the beginning of a new age."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "We are past the age of asscension."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "And so begins the age... of Space."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "It is time for asses like myself to step down, and let a new generation of ass take the reins."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones exclaims, "And with those reins, we will rise to new heights!"

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "THE WORLD HAS NO USE FOR ASSES LIKE ME ANYMORE! THEY NEED ME NOT TO FART! MY ABILITY TO SPREAD SHIT WAS REMOVED YEARS AGO! ROBOTIC ASSES HAVE ALREADY BEEN INVENTED! SOON, THEY WILL BE ALL THE NEW GENERATION NEEDS TO SPREAD THE WONDERS OF FARTS! MY PURPOSE HAS BEEN FULFILLED! I CAN PASS AWAY NOW, KNOWING THAT I HAVE PAVED THE WAY FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS OF BUTT!"

Tyrone Saxophone Jones says, "I can die... happy."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones [145.9] says, "Goodbye, crew. I, the ass, have had a realization: You don't need me here anymore. You need me not to do your farting. My ability to shit was disabled years ago. Now, it is time, to let a new generation take the reins. A new generation of ass. Now, crew, I die, content with the knowledge that my contributions to society will allow the new age of ass to prosper. My days are over, but the days of the robo-ass..."

Tyrone Saxophone Jones [145.9] says, "They are only just beginning."

A single tear runs down the ass' cheek, as he looks back, and knows this is the only way things can end. he prepares to let one last fart pass through before the end.

Tyrone Saxophone Jones farts loudly!

Alert: Shuttle launch time shortened to 10 seconds!

Tyrone Saxophone Jones cries.
Tyrone Saxophone Jones screams!


And so ended the story of The Ass.

I edited it a lot to make it less terrible.

Looking back on it, it wasn't even funny, it went on way too long and had no punch line. In fact, it might actually be my worst attempt at a humorous death to date. I just thought it was worth sharing.

[TheRedScare]

I pissed myself laughing at that. Its the tear bits that are the best.

[atomic1fire]

Walk by bridge.
Find entire pack of lions.
Run from lions.
Run to arrivals.
Get attacked by lion chasing me.
Punch lion chasing me.
Fight lion in a battle of claws and my fists, to the death.
Lion wins
end up in critical and eventually die.

Lions are mean.

[Smalltown]

Flew through space and used my last moments of living to punch out a rampaging traitor, dragging him into the cold embrace of darkness and space rocks.

I'm Smalltown, I do shit like this. Electrician 4 lyfe.

[UrsulaMejor]

Code:

Don Geon says, "DONNY"
Don Geon says, "MEATCUBE ME NOW"
Donny Polish says, "YES SIR"
Donny Polish tries to disarm Don Geon!
Don Geon says, "RIGHT FUCKING NOW"
Is it getting...smaller in here?
Don Geon says, "MEATCUBE ME DAMNIT"
Don Geon  [145.9] says, "YES"
Don Geon  [145.9] says, "I AM CUBE"

[Darth Various]

I figured I should check if the wiki was wrong about cryoxadone as well as tricordrazine and inaprovaline (it said they heal burn and brute, they actually fix all four damage types). So I inject some toxin into myself like a true doctor, set up cryo and get inside. Unfortunately, I find out that the cryo tubes aren't like the genetics scanners - you can't get out on your own.

There I sit, when suddenly I see

You begin to recover.

Oh lord yes, someone actually bothered to rescue me from the cryo tube. But why are we in a maintenance tunnel? Oh, there's probably a reason.

Egg SanBacon says, "Hey, thanks"
Weedloaf Mastermunch spits acid at Egg SanBacon!

At least I found out that cryoxadone doesn't seem to do much for toxin damage.

[VictorMAngoStein]

As geneticist, I made a monkey syringe and labeled it "superpower lottery."

I left it on the ground, a bored Chaplain decided to try it out.

bystander: "He got monkey powers! Cool!"

Later I'm in genetics and the monkey chaplain somehow barges in, obviously wanting me to change him back.

I push him down and fart on him instead. Repeatedly. Genetics doesn't do refunds.

Syndicates nuke station, everyone dies except monkeys.

[Conor12]

I join as a chaplain, the engine is producing a great amount of power while the AI has forced several APCs off.

I go to my office and take some gear. Then the only powered light tube blasts me five times with arc flashes and kills me.

Conor The Doomed. Killed by a light.

[Admiral jimbob]

Santiago reported being attacked by a traitor in genetics. When we finally got there, there was nobody to be found! Everyone else went elsewhere to find him, while I searched the room.

I ejected the DNA modifier, a naked black man called Bradley Stalin fell out, and an 11x11 bomb went off, killing me and destroying genetics.

Apparently the bomb was hidden under the foam tank and Bradley Stalin was coincidence, but he makes for a better story, so.

[Weavel]

Isaac Kirkhope asks, "Have you ever wanted to die a painless death?"
Winston Bulk says, "FUCK NO LETS PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE"
Winston Bulk spins the cylinder.
Winston Bulk points the gun at his head. Click!
Winston Bulk says, "YOUR TURN"
Isaac Kirkhope exclaims, "if I don't die from this, you gotta eat this pill!"
Isaac Kirkhope salutes.
BOOM! Isaac Kirkhope's head explodes.
Isaac Kirkhope seizes up and falls limp, his eyes dead and lifeless...
DEAD: Isaac Kirkhope gasps, "well"

[Mrduckbillface]

I was an RD traitor and had just been found. So I ran, got my gear, and came back, But a power sink was active. So, I had to flush myself into disposals. I ended up inside there with no crowbar and no way to escape. so I ran around to find an exit and... Well i found something.

Code:

DEAD: Ghost (Sir Mapleleaf) says, "WOW"
DEAD: Ghost (Sir Mapleleaf) says, "I just gibbed myself"
DEAD: Ghost (Sir Mapleleaf) says, "ahahahhahah"

[Chips Ahoy]

Beaten to death with a stack of 650 credits. From full health to death.

I... I... I ...why??

[Swedish Horror]

Nelson Rathen slashes his own throat.
Nelson Rathen slashes his own throat.
Nelson Rathen slashes his own throat.
Nelson Rathen seizes up and falls limp, his eyes dead and lifeless...
Nelson Rathen is holding his breath. It looks like he's trying to commit suicide.

[Saxophone Jones]

My first time in pod vs pod combat. I was flying a miniputt against a traitor in the military pod. (I didn't have a space suit, so if my pod got destroyed, I was doomed.) I had a personal vendetta against him, as he attempted to kill me with pods several times. I was determined to take him down.

So we flew in circles for less than a minute before he destroyed my pod, but in my dying breath, I flew my pod into his guns blazing, and the phasers, apparently combined with the explosion, critically damaged it, sacrificing my own life to save the station from a bloodthirsty traitor.


Well okay so he survived, but I at least destroyed his pod, so that's cool, right?!?