From The Ashes! Another Goonstation DF Succession Game

[phart]

Sorry about the screenshot quality and any inconsistancies, I was running a game when my save got all fucked-up, and I had no way of telling which images were from before I restarted and which ones were from after, they wen't pretty much the same for the most part mind you. Any bad grammar is due to the fact I need to cram for school like all hell tonight and need to get started on that like right now yeah sorry tata the next one will be more interesting yadayadaaaaa fuck this let's get to the actual post!!!

Ey mountain home-ish royal type Queen lady:

What the actual fuck did I do to earn this position? I'm nuttin' but a stone mason with no history in government, or if I'm being completely honest here, any form of actual responsibility at all! I seriously urge you to take a second look at your picking procedure, because in my experience picking names out of a hat is not the way to go about choosing who the hell gets to babysit the party-demons I call neighbours!

Nonetheless, I guess I should be telling you about what's been going on so far, right? If this letter takes a while to get back to you guys, I apologize. I seems nobody has half a clue lodged in the peanuts they call their brains about what the hell mail even is as a basic concept!

The very first thing I remember declaring in my reign of clueless dwarven politifuckery was... well... ohhhhhhh cripes I just remembered.



I'm not proud of it or have insight as to why I did it, but I did. I swear it was only like, three kitties tops! We tried to use up their leftovers, but it turns out we have no form of butchery or leather working establishment in this literal hole in the wall, and then they just sat around in the dark and rotted! Boy do dead cats stink, lemme tell you.



The elves came in shortly after that happened for some reason! Not that the broker cared or even noticed, he was getting hella fucking liver failurey at a table party of some form while this was going on, so I had to get off my ass and force a random mason to do it instead.



The beardless fucker didn't even know how to make a sale! Those elves sucked us out of around 400 Dwarfbux and still left with a tick on their mangy hemp-dusted mops! I think this was exactly when I realized how futile my job was to the T, which is as luck would have it, extremely fucking futile. On the not-entirely-nihlist side of things though, we still got a scrawny excuse of a lion out of it, which is like 20 cats by itself!



Oh, about then one of the idiots just birthed a idiot baby out right on the floor, I'm ashamed to have seen such a gross sight go unmentioned. Regardless, say hello to lil' Cogwerks, who I've taken to calling bongbaby. Get it? It's because he's a lil' slacker who'll grow up with no idea about decent ethics of either the work kind or the giving a shit about having a baby during such work kind.



While the newfound mother was still introducing the newborn to traditional crippling alcoholism, it's my luck that I heard a fuckton of assorted riffle-raffles outside my corner of the cave. It was a fucking delight, a bunch of squatters seemed to have barged in and claimed they're migrants from back in the mountains. Bullshit, what the hell sort of government sends families to a place without enough rooms to house the people already living there? Not you guys, right? Please tell me this wasn't actually you're idea.

Fuck.

If it was, I'd like you guys to all consider the following facts about this 'cozy fortress' I'm in charge of, if you would be so kind.

Firstly, I'd like to show you the biggest threat we've had so far, it took four of our most fearsome residents to dispatch with this certain danger!



Amazing.



How brave!



Wow, way to go dude. I can tell you should be trusted with firearms already!



I can't even praise this one in a sarcastic manner!

Next, might our amazing artistic accomplishments convince you about how 'great' a fort we truly are?



Here we have a piece of art one may find on our walls, an authentic Mc'derp it just so happens. Mc'derp thinks himself a god or something, good for him I guess?



We also have more obscure artists here, waiting to shock your senses with new and exciting experimental pieces. Take for example that of Conor here, who thinks the world is oh so very doomed, to the point that it is worth stealing an entire workshop and valuable supplies for a good half the week over it so he can really drive in how doomed people have been in the history of our civilization!



But why stop at the art? Why not address the fact that we just stumbled upon some form of deadly, fungus-filled cavern! A cavern which I would like to add is not only home to what I presume are gigantic deadly spiders, given the chittering I heard when I was collecting stone nearby, but ALSO a giant ass pit into the Earth's blazing angry molten core! Sorry kids, but for this fortress attraction, you're gonna need a parent's permission to get in!

In brief, my majestically bearded queen: Fuck this shit your highness. When my forced, unpaid year of micromanagement is over, I'll be damned if I'm not gonna try and revolt!

Crapfully yours, Overseer Asterisk the Phartful.

P.S. that being said we REALLY NEED AN ANVIL FOR THE LOVE OF ARMOK I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Please take this into consideration and thank you in advance!

BONUS:
Spoiler!

damn iron-shelled bugger from the depths of hell.