Goonhub
03-06-2014, 06:55 AM
Sorry for possible badthread. The subject of a hypothetical SS13 movie was raised in IRC again and it got pretty nifty and someone suggested that we take it to the forums instead
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Quote:<Postmo> SS13 to get movie deal, Gilbert Gottfried confirmed as voice of wisecracking AI.
<Sir_Gerry> Christopher Lee to play vampire
<AgBengip> Postmo, we've been over this before. Jack Black is Humble Bee
<@bubs> dont be mean to jack black
<Sir_Gerry> Faffotron played by Ashton Kutcher
<Sir_Gerry> Why? Because he's a tool
<Sir_Gerry> Crate Boxington to be played by Charlie Sheen
<Postmo> Halfway through a monologue, Black appears to go through an epileptic seizure and spends the rest of the film in a catatonic state. This is not commented on by any other characters, and is a reference to players going "braindead" in the game.
<Sir_Gerry> Kira Taggart by Urma Therman
<AgBengip> Zooey Deschanel as Dotty Spud and Benedict Cumberbatch as Reginald P. Farthing. We need to flirt with the Tumblr crew, yo
<AgBengip> Alexander Skarsgård as Richard Grabber, the Chef
<Noah_Buttes> 5 minutes into the movie, faff gets emagged and then the movie reel blows up
<Sir_Gerry> Tom Hanks plays the role of Chief Engineer
<Nitrous> Adam Sandler as Sham Poo
<Readster> The AI, Jerki-Bot, was considered unusually cruel and mostly useless to the plot. It does nothing but insult the crew
<Sir_Gerry> Tim Curry voices His Grace
<Sir_Gerry> Dylan Moran provides comic relief as the Barman
<Postmo> "Das Raumstation Treizehn" is an experimental film based on the events of the ill-fated Space Station 13. It is composed of stock footage from the station cameras, set to a discordant soundtrack. Of note is the oft imitated "silent fart" sequence, in which an assistant's face is filmed screaming for 27 seconds as fart sounds play.
<Readster> Steven Seagal plays the murderous chef that saves the day
<Sir_Gerry> Steven Segal plays the botanist that falls prey to His Grace within 2 minutes
<Postmo> Hermann Deutschberger, the director, explains the sequence as an expression of the existential horror that pervades survivor's accounts of the station's demise.
<Readster> people often criticise the 10 minute "waiting for the shuttle" sequence. This is actually a fan favourite for its accurate display of the horrors that come after a shuttle call
<Sir_Gerry> During said sequence, Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig invade as 'Donk Corp' syndicate agents
<Postmo> Throughout the film, a clown is seen gesturing wildly at the camera. The context of this is unknown, and his body language is impossible to interpret.
<Readster> at one point a horrible and terrifying 'honking' can be heard. This has caused many to leave the cinema from disgust.
<AgBengip> The 56-minute film is noted for being the only Palme d'Or nominee ever to start playing at the nominal 24 frames per second but gradually slow down to eight frames per second as it approaches the end of the reel.
<Sir_Gerry> Farts, screams and explosions can be heard throughout the duration of the film. Sounds recorded by Robin Williams
<Readster> The films ends with a score display. As of yet, nobody has understood it, nor have they cared
<Postmo> Deutschberger occasionally holds personal screenings of the film, during which he plays chiptunes, tears up parts of the reel, and attacks members of the audience. This is, in his words, a metaphor for "the uncaring hand of God"
<AgBengip> Production was halted for twenty months as Deutschberger was involved in negotiations with Natalie Portman to provide the 244 unique flatulence recordings heard in the film.
<Readster> The film is described as being in "permanent development" as Deutschberger is known to make changes unexpectedly. These will then undergo a minimum of 20 changes over their life before being once again removed
<AgBengip> Eddie Murphy was initially cast for the role of Tteckk Booth, but announced his full retirement from acting after two days on the set.
<AgBengip> Roger Ebert especially criticised the scene where 38 slices of cheese materialise out of smoke as 'implausible'
<Postmo> One of the few survivors of the Space Station 13 tragedy, Mr. Jimmy Watson, accuses the film of being a "horrifically tasteless affront to the memories of all who died..[and] sick, disturbing and cynical... in short, the most accurate expression of the horrors we went through"
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