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Jacob Philips for HoS 2016 Give teh beret!
#1
Usual Character Name: Jacob Philips
BYOND Username:MorphingDwarf
Recommended by (if applicable): I am an independent person! Huzzah! N/A
Times Available: Weeknights, weekend mornings, early in the morning on weekdays and weekends.

Reason for Application (300 word minimum): I am applying because well, to be honest with you, I am kinda tired with incompetent security mucking about in the halls, bumping into each other on their stupid segways, and arresting that assitant for farting in their face. Pathetic. I want to change this, I want to make security something it couldn't be before, good. I want to start getting security to make good arrests, to make the correct arrests, and not kill assistants for being assistants. I think that security right now is ok, and there are a few other competent security people, for example: Sir Grodus, Dr.Kay, Oddball, when he isn't being an assistant, or mucking around on the station in other positions. I also want to stop the 3 minute traitor kills, where security runs around in thermals, catching anyone with a PDA in their hands, and killing while screaming "TATER ALERT-TATER ALERT. Then doing "Justice" and, without questioning, searching, or anything competent, beats the prisoner to death, still screaming "TATER ALERT-TATER ALERT" Instead, I would like for security to take them in, take their PDA, and take their gear, then throw them, back out into the halls, wearing a clown suit, with an ID that says. "Im an idiot" So many people will, as security, give 5 minute jail times, for vandalism, pushing people down, and *why would you even arrest for that?!* and, ohh I hate it when they do this, the sec will literally arrest the engineers for letting the sing loose.. For some reason that pisses me off. We need a good security team when the syndicates come knocking at our door with their thermite charges, revolvers, and especially fashionable turtlenecks. We need a good security team when gandalf teleports onto the station screaming "EL NATH" and shocking people, not to mention turning the idiot captain into a blumbering oaf known as a "cluwne". With all of these possible hazards, having a good security team is vital to the safety of the station. I'm not going to start lying about how I will just sit in my office like a good little HoS, no, I am not going to sit in my comfy chair, wearing my beret, and watching as the station is blown to bits, the captain and all the heads are shot to death, and the security team is stripped and tossed into the singularity. I intend to make this station the best it can be, and I will not stop until every single traitor, ling, spy, wizard, and ever dangerous syndicate, is sitting in a jail cell playing the blues.

Security Experience (300 word minimum): As security I tend to be much more intense than I am if I was playing, medical doctor for example. When I am security I am very serious, and the most I do is push down the bar fighters, and fart in their faces, I never would do anything to harm anyone that isn't a baddie. I am always sure to lock my locker as well. Once as security, well, actually, captain, but I guess that counts, since I was kinda just playing it as if I was security, it was a 4 ling round, and there were martians in the blown-up bar. I was running down to assist the officers in the bar, and I saw a downed officer, dead, so I ran up, got shot about 4-5 times by the martians, and dragged him back to genetics, after cloning him, I got word of the death of the martians, and patrolled the halls for a bit. Later, after the shuttle had been called, and recalled several times, I went to the bridge to stop the CE from recalling the shuttle again, where I found him sitting at the table, almost as if he was waiting for me. I sat down a seat away from him, told him to stop, and as I was about to get up and leave, he spit acid at me, downing me instantly. After waiting a while, I regained conciousness, found myself shoved in a trashbin next to the CE, so I jumped out of it, and fell over. He then preceded to put me back in, and flushed me down. upon my unconcious arrival at the disposal gibber, I found him standing at the lever to turn on the conveyor belt, I was next to the blast door to the gibber. He then pressed the blast door release button, and I instantly died. Upon my death I learned there were 4 lings, and that many had died. I should have been smarter, I checked the comm report at the beginning of the round and it said that the CE was 61% a baddie, and that there were lings aboard, and I knew the CE was up to something, I just couldn't tell what, and couldn't arrest him, because you must have evidence as a good officer to arrest someone. I typically don't play Security, I typically play Medical Doctor actually, because I like saving people, and just helping them out in general. Sorry if this isn't 300 words, I think it is, but if it isn't, I sincerely apologize.

Your opinion of Shrek (5 word minimum): Why must you even ask? Shrek is a fucking badass. If he was HoS, he would kill lings with just his breath. BADASS.

Previous Bans (While this will not affect your application lying about it will): I don't think I've been banned.. Dammit. Too much of a goody-two-shoes.
#2
Hey guys this is exactly how NOT to get HoS, by trying to pander to people via mentorhelp!

MENTORHELP: MorphingDwarf/(Jacob Philips)(X): If you guys feel like it, come check out my HoS application. Link: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=383 Thanks! Don't do it unless you want to!

If it was up to me, I'd shut this down myself.

Also; this REALLY gets under my skin: Previous Bans (While this will not affect your application lying about it will): I don't think I've been banned.. Dammit. Too much of a goody-two-shoes.
#3
The ellipsis consists of three periods, not two. The shocking graps magic words are ei nath, not el nath. "TATER" is a horrible gag that /tg/ beat into the ground long ago and has never been cool or popular here.
#4
Morphing_Dwarf Wrote:competent security people, for example: Sir Grodus
I chuckled.

Morphing_Dwarf Wrote:I checked the comm report at the beginning of the round and it said that the CE was 61% a baddie, and that there were lings aboard

This. Don't do this, the comm reports are almost always wrong. I know you didn't act on it but still.

MollyMillions Wrote:The ellipsis consists of three periods, not two. The shocking graps magic words are ei nath, not el nath. "TATER" is a horrible gag that /tg/ beat into the ground long ago and has never been cool or popular here.

Don't really think it's our place to decide on his capability due to his sense of humour, awful or not.

Other than that, I've seen him a few times and he's seemed alright, I'd say yes.
#5
Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realise you guys didn't like it when I put it on mentorhelp.. Im sorry. I thought by saying it was fine you didn't need to come, just putting it out there, it would be fine, and I have heard people say tater before.. Not alot, but some. Im sorry gorrilla, please forgive, and I am sorry also about the ei nath mistake, I haven't been wizard very often, so I don't really know. I apologize sincerely, please forgive me.
#6
I'm highly suspect of any applications that start with "security sucks, I'll make it awesome."
You also put a bunch of irritating memes in your application, ugh
#7
Well, I do intend to make security better, that is the whole reason I am applying, and as for the memes, I was just trying to lighten it up a bit, so it wasn't just "Boring Boring Boring Boring Boring Boring thank you for considering my application"
#8
Memes don't lighten it up, they're annoying and aren't allowed on these servers anyhow. As for "I'm gonna make security better" while this is the HoS' goal, just saying "I'm gonna stop the shit" doesn't mean you should be an HoS. It's a reason you might make a good security officer, but the HoS and the Sec team are not the same for a reason.
#9
The way I see it, is that well, first of all, I didn't really put any memes in there besides the tater thing? maybe? And the "Give teh Beret" Title, So, while I apologize for those, I don't think that its really that big of a deal, its kind've like an assistant pushing you down and farting on you, you don't like it, but you don't go kill them for it.
#10
I didn't say you were a waste of air for using them, I just said they're annoying and aren't mood lightening. Anyhow, I'll look to see if I can catch you being Security in game at some point before I give a definite no or yes.
#11
Thank you, I would rather you watch me play and say no, rather than just saying no without seeing me.
#12
Ok. Let me tell you all HOW I intend to stop shitty security. I intend to stop it by making sure that sec closes their lockers so we don't have a thousand assistants running around, yelling into our radio channel, I intend to stop shitty security by not letting electronics have stun batons, by not yelling at the HoP to go away instead of actually working, and to go check on the captain 3 minutes into a round to stop those stupid 4 minute syndicate victory dances. Security isn't bad Cogwerks, I just want to make it better, and I will make it better, you just watch. As HoS I will notice the engineers cutting cameras, and the botanist killing peopl with their chainsaws.

I will make security better, you'll see, just give me the beret. Thank you.
#13
Oh, another really good sec, Ken Klepto, or at least, he was, don't k ow about him now, haven't seen him in a while.
#14
Morphing_Dwarf Wrote:Oh. I'm sorry, I didn't realise you guys didn't like it when I put it on mentorhelp.. Im sorry. I thought by saying it was fine you didn't need to come, just putting it out there, it would be fine, and I have heard people say tater before.. Not alot, but some. Im sorry gorrilla, please forgive, and I am sorry also about the ei nath mistake, I haven't been wizard very often, so I don't really know. I apologize sincerely, please forgive me.

This and the triplepost juts convinced me of a big no.
#15
I think the HoS position should be reserved for respectable players. Meme-spouting, triple-posting, stupid/ironic words, and constant apologizing are all things that don't really garner respect.

"Jacob Philips for HoS 2016 Give teh beret!" - This is dumb.

No.


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