Goonhub
08-13-2020, 01:10 PM
(This post was last modified: 08-13-2020, 01:13 PM by Schnugaf. Edited 2 times in total.)
Hi there folks!
I haven't played in like a year, and only for a short time, prior to that I had an absence of two years I think.
Most of you probably didn't know me well back then and most probably haven't heard of me at all.
So why am I starting a thread and thanking the community here if I'm not really participating in it anymore?
Well I just wanna skip back a good amount of years before I get into that, doing that old cliche narrator thing that everyone is sick off.
So I first got into space station while I was quite young, I think I was somewhere around 14 years and had just discovered the cesspools of the internet.
While hanging out on Ventrilo with some internet friends of mine, someone suggested we should give Space Station 13 a go.
We were a bunch of young ass hats metagaming in order to grief at our full potential, yet being held back by our lack of comprehension of the game.
This went on for a couple of nights and as we started to unravel the possibilities in the game, the intricacies of the game felt very inviting to me.
My friends didn't hang around for to long but I felt myself being hooked back into the game whenever there wasn't anything else to do and after a while I played it on a very regular basis.
Over the years I kept griefing on the servers i played on while constantly trying to avoid any potential repercussions. I disregarded the rules and played only for my own enjoyment of ruining the days of others. Except for a few instances where I was caught, I was basically left alone to my own vices. As I kept growing up I became more indoctrinated to the cesspools of the internet, which I won't bother naming but assume we all have the same sites in mind. I kept trying to push the limits in regards to the use of language, words that would be filed under the category severly biggoted. I can't for the love of me remember the reasons as to why I did this, it was either just the norm of the communites I kept too or I got some enjoyment out of it. As the years went on I got "smarter" about it, recognized what would get me in trouble and what I could hide under the table so to speak, but I didn't change.
At some point I started playing on goonstation, I kept my asshat mind of state but was very careful about it. Because I was quite aware of the strictnesss of the server in regards to acceptable behaviour. I didn't recognize my faults in breaking the rules, only that it would get me in trouble. However one night, which I've mentioned in my mentor application a while ago, I was on the IRC hanging out talking with people when I think someone suggested raiding another server to fuck around, probably another asshat looking to grief. I did my griefing and came back to share my extravagant tales of how I got banned.
I had repeatedly referenced sexual assault and rape on the server and was proud of how I had made the admins of the server mad and had them ban me. BlackJack was online and promptly banned me from the IRC server, and rightly so.
However, there I was in my twisted state of mind not understanding why I had been banned. A friend of mine who was also on the IRC server had to explain to me what was wrong. At first I didn't comprehend this as being something wrongful and felt it was a severe overreaction for just some jokes and crude language. It did however trigger something in me though to question my own reaction to having been banned. Why could I joke about horrible things that people experience, or use slurs intended to dehumanize, but if someone punished me for it I took offense and felt like it was an overreaction? Something magically clicked in that moment that made me realize I was completely in the fucking wrong.
I had been an asshat for several years and this wasn't about censorship or people overreacting, this was about me contributing to making the lives of others worse. Even a single comment, though a drop in the span of a life, could very well cause mental harm to others and even potentially physical harm.
The decision at this point was to get a better understanding of the reflections I had made and try to change how I interacted with people in the game.
Being nicer to others felt nice. Just not being an asshat gave me more enjoyment out of the game, and along the way it broadened my perspective on social behaviour online. The community which I had enjoyed before became a lot more diverse and interesting to me when I started accepting everyone for who they are, even if I just interacted with the community through a spacemen game.
I started doing this in regards to other games as well and quickly found that making friends and getting enjoyment from both the games and interactions I had with other people came so much easier to me than it had before.
So back to present day, a couple of weeks ago I went out on my first long hike. I traveled out into the wilds for fourteen days, alone, trekking along lakes, across mountains, woods, swamps. Sleeping in tent and the wonderful cabins we have in Norway scattered across the country which are open to everyone for use for just a small yearly fee. This was a trip I had prepared as a sort of reebot of my mind due to several years of severe depression, its working btw. While sitting alone by myself in one of these cabins having had to call it a very early day due to inflamed legs and severe backpain I had a lot of time to think about who I am today and who I was. Back then I was a biggoted, racist, mysoginistic, homophobic, angry and completely fucking horrible kid. Today I am openly bi, I strive to do my part in creating an equal world for everyone, I join every oppurtunity I have to protest injustice and I speak out when I see or hear things from others that I see in my old self.
And I could trace the change of who I am down to a single community in a spacemen game.
So now that I had been back home a bit, a Space Station 13 video popped up in my youtube feed and I thought back to the thoughts I had that night in the cabin. I wanted to share that with all of you to say how much I appreciate everything you have done, both the staff and the community. And just maybe some other asshat will read this and have second thoughts about themselves as well. So again, thanks everyone, and though I've barely touched my computer since coming back, I'll hopefully spend the little gaming time i do a bit more with the community that once changed me for the better.
Love you all!
Sincerely,
Former asshat Schnugaf
tl;dr
Goonstation radicalized me into being a decent huiman being.
I haven't played in like a year, and only for a short time, prior to that I had an absence of two years I think.
Most of you probably didn't know me well back then and most probably haven't heard of me at all.
So why am I starting a thread and thanking the community here if I'm not really participating in it anymore?
Well I just wanna skip back a good amount of years before I get into that, doing that old cliche narrator thing that everyone is sick off.
So I first got into space station while I was quite young, I think I was somewhere around 14 years and had just discovered the cesspools of the internet.
While hanging out on Ventrilo with some internet friends of mine, someone suggested we should give Space Station 13 a go.
We were a bunch of young ass hats metagaming in order to grief at our full potential, yet being held back by our lack of comprehension of the game.
This went on for a couple of nights and as we started to unravel the possibilities in the game, the intricacies of the game felt very inviting to me.
My friends didn't hang around for to long but I felt myself being hooked back into the game whenever there wasn't anything else to do and after a while I played it on a very regular basis.
Over the years I kept griefing on the servers i played on while constantly trying to avoid any potential repercussions. I disregarded the rules and played only for my own enjoyment of ruining the days of others. Except for a few instances where I was caught, I was basically left alone to my own vices. As I kept growing up I became more indoctrinated to the cesspools of the internet, which I won't bother naming but assume we all have the same sites in mind. I kept trying to push the limits in regards to the use of language, words that would be filed under the category severly biggoted. I can't for the love of me remember the reasons as to why I did this, it was either just the norm of the communites I kept too or I got some enjoyment out of it. As the years went on I got "smarter" about it, recognized what would get me in trouble and what I could hide under the table so to speak, but I didn't change.
At some point I started playing on goonstation, I kept my asshat mind of state but was very careful about it. Because I was quite aware of the strictnesss of the server in regards to acceptable behaviour. I didn't recognize my faults in breaking the rules, only that it would get me in trouble. However one night, which I've mentioned in my mentor application a while ago, I was on the IRC hanging out talking with people when I think someone suggested raiding another server to fuck around, probably another asshat looking to grief. I did my griefing and came back to share my extravagant tales of how I got banned.
I had repeatedly referenced sexual assault and rape on the server and was proud of how I had made the admins of the server mad and had them ban me. BlackJack was online and promptly banned me from the IRC server, and rightly so.
However, there I was in my twisted state of mind not understanding why I had been banned. A friend of mine who was also on the IRC server had to explain to me what was wrong. At first I didn't comprehend this as being something wrongful and felt it was a severe overreaction for just some jokes and crude language. It did however trigger something in me though to question my own reaction to having been banned. Why could I joke about horrible things that people experience, or use slurs intended to dehumanize, but if someone punished me for it I took offense and felt like it was an overreaction? Something magically clicked in that moment that made me realize I was completely in the fucking wrong.
I had been an asshat for several years and this wasn't about censorship or people overreacting, this was about me contributing to making the lives of others worse. Even a single comment, though a drop in the span of a life, could very well cause mental harm to others and even potentially physical harm.
The decision at this point was to get a better understanding of the reflections I had made and try to change how I interacted with people in the game.
Being nicer to others felt nice. Just not being an asshat gave me more enjoyment out of the game, and along the way it broadened my perspective on social behaviour online. The community which I had enjoyed before became a lot more diverse and interesting to me when I started accepting everyone for who they are, even if I just interacted with the community through a spacemen game.
I started doing this in regards to other games as well and quickly found that making friends and getting enjoyment from both the games and interactions I had with other people came so much easier to me than it had before.
So back to present day, a couple of weeks ago I went out on my first long hike. I traveled out into the wilds for fourteen days, alone, trekking along lakes, across mountains, woods, swamps. Sleeping in tent and the wonderful cabins we have in Norway scattered across the country which are open to everyone for use for just a small yearly fee. This was a trip I had prepared as a sort of reebot of my mind due to several years of severe depression, its working btw. While sitting alone by myself in one of these cabins having had to call it a very early day due to inflamed legs and severe backpain I had a lot of time to think about who I am today and who I was. Back then I was a biggoted, racist, mysoginistic, homophobic, angry and completely fucking horrible kid. Today I am openly bi, I strive to do my part in creating an equal world for everyone, I join every oppurtunity I have to protest injustice and I speak out when I see or hear things from others that I see in my old self.
And I could trace the change of who I am down to a single community in a spacemen game.
So now that I had been back home a bit, a Space Station 13 video popped up in my youtube feed and I thought back to the thoughts I had that night in the cabin. I wanted to share that with all of you to say how much I appreciate everything you have done, both the staff and the community. And just maybe some other asshat will read this and have second thoughts about themselves as well. So again, thanks everyone, and though I've barely touched my computer since coming back, I'll hopefully spend the little gaming time i do a bit more with the community that once changed me for the better.
Love you all!
Sincerely,
Former asshat Schnugaf
tl;dr
Goonstation radicalized me into being a decent huiman being.
