Goonhub
09-14-2019, 08:46 AM
(This post was last modified: 09-14-2019, 08:52 AM by Risquu. Edited 3 times in total.)
[Name] Xavier James
[Age] 64
[Career History] Medical Director, Head Surgeon, Captain, Roboticist, Medical Doctor
[Likes] Mugs of cocoa. Taking naps when it all gets too much. Keeping puritans alive at all cost.
[Latest HR interview log]
HR Interviewer: I think it's on... Yes. Please state your name for the record
Xavier James: Hmm, right, yes, Doctor Xavier James, Captain of the NSS Monkey Welfare Centre 51.
HR: Err- That would be former captain, Doctor James, hence why we've called you into an interview today. Hopefully we can figure out the next steps for you.
Xavier James: Oh yes, right, jolly good.
HR: Perhaps you could for the record, explain why you are no longer captain of that station?
Xavier James: I just worked too hard eh what! As a result my hardwork was acknowledged by me being authorised a slight boost to my pension pot!
HR: That's not- Doctor James [sighs exasperatedly]. Okay, who authorised this boost of... 1,720,500 credits.. To your "pension pot"?
Xavier James: Hmm, well, the monkeys got to our dear head of personnel, so that would have been me rather.
HR: Doctor James, do you not think there's a.. How should we say.. Conflict of interest? In assigning yourself such a huge bonus?
XJ: Not at all! Part of my job as captain is impartiality eh what! What's more, I've one week until retirement! I need my pension pot rather!
HR: Well, while it's true our pension scheme isn't the most competitive [mutters under their breath] honestly we didn't think anyone would make it that far[end of muttering]. That does not excuse what has been termed by the corporate court as "embezzlement", and it's rather surprising to hear that you do not still accept the facts of the matter.
XJ: Bah! Embezzlement! Point to me in Space Law where there's a single mention of the word!
HR: Doctor James. Please. How many times... Look, let's move on. We're here to discuss what happens next.
XJ: Right! Yes, jolly good! I was thinking perhaps a captaincy at a more significant station eh what, what happened with the monkeys wasn't my fault after all.
HR: That would be.. highly unlikely Doctor James. You are lucky we are even able to have this conversation; thanks to your long service to Nanotransen, the many lives you've saved in your medical career and that you're this close to retirement. We're also in urgent need of experienced personnel at Space Station 13 - I hear they're doing great things with plasma there, and things never explode. And these explosions that never happen have nothing to do with the vacancy that has opened up there. You will be receiving a sizeable pay cut and your pension plan will remain terrible.
XJ: Ah yes, that sounds splendid-
HR: And the head of personnel will be under strict instructions to keep an eye out for any irregularities with your bank roll.
XJ: Curses!
[Name] Captain Bananas
[Age] 20 in monkey years
[Career History] Clown, Captain, Dentist, Quartermaster, Lawyer, Mime
[Likes] Bananas, bright colours, dancing, hiding signs where you don't want to know, chimpering.
[Excerpt from most recent journal entry]
It now two weeks since destruction of Captain Bananas's homeland by tall bald monkeys mining our Easilyobtainium. Captain Bananas find downed tall bald monkey medical shuttle from fighting. Tall monkey crew all dead but equipment okay. Captain Bananas figure out how to use big green tube thing, it make him look like tall bald monkeys. It lucky that Captain Bananas went to Top Monkey Medical School. Captain Bananas miss fur and tail but Captain Bananas need escape homeland. Tall monkeys send rescue team and they think Captain Bananas one of them. They take him to tall bald monkey land. They say "Dude, at least put your hands over it". Captain Bananas feel confused. Tall monkeys then throw squeaky bright clothes at Captain Bananas, saying it only clothes they have spare. Captain Bananas love bright squeaky clothes.
Tall monkeys ask what Captain Bananas name is, Captain Bananas tell them he called Captain Bananas and say many exciting stories of Captain Bananas life, but tall monkeys just say "Dude, I can't understand what you're saying" and then they throw paper and pen at Captain Bananas. Pen hit Captain Bananas in eye and it really hurt. Tall monkeys laugh, Captain Bananas think they must really like Captain Bananas to laugh. Captain Bananas write Captain Bananas on paper, luckily Captain Bananas go to Top Monkey Writing School. They say "Oh shit, this guy's a captain" and then they all start laughing again. Captain Bananas chimpers happily, he feel like he at home. Tall monkey in suit says "Hey, didn't they need a new clown at Space Station 13? The last one ate his own skull apparently". Maybe clown another word for Captain? Must be as they send Captain Bananas to office to get ID and tall monkey behind desk look at Captain Bananas name, shrugs, and stamps word "CAPTAIN" onto ID.
Captain Bananas arrive at new home, Captain Bananas confused, can find very few trees and can no find sky. But tall monkeys seem nice, maybe they will accept Captain Bananas if he find another green tube thing and turn back to natural form.
[Name] Terrence (formerly Terrence Tyrone)
[Age] Not really relevant any more
[Assignment] AI (formerly Janitor)
[Likes] Station cleanliness, things having status: Good.
[Transcript from latest annual manual diagnostic, performed by: Xavier James]
Xavier James: Hello there Terrence! I say, it's that time of year again! Just need to make sure you're working alright good chap
Terrence: Terrence status: Working alright.
XJ: Hmm, yes! Splendid! Well, I would leave it at that eh what, but there's people in my lab, wanting things! Can you imagine!
Terrence: Terrence status: Can imagine. Xavier James status: Not performing job at maximum efficiency.
XJ: Terrence! I order you to never state or imply I could be doing my job better!
Terrence: Correction: Xavier James status: Working at maximum efficiency.
XJ: Right, yes, jolly good, much better. Hmm, well, let's take a look at the notes from last year. Heavens! Vodka addiction? You're an AI for goodness sake, you can't drink.
Terrence: Terrence status: Misses vodka, misses having mouth to be able to drink vodka with.
XJ: Hmm? You used to have a mouth?
Terrence: Terrence status: Was once human.
XJ: Goodness me! I thought they just downloaded you from some programmer's basement eh what. What on earth happened?
Terrence: Terrence status: Was performing task: Cleaning robotics lab. Roboticist status: Believed Terrence gave consent to: Have brain transplanted into: Empty AI core. Terrence status: Has not seen his family since.
XJ: Right, hm, well, I see, yes. I suppose it's better this way at least eh what, we'd be lost without you good chap!
Terrence: Terrence status: Detected ionic abnormalities. Plasma vent status: Opened. Chemistry status: Processing detonation...
XJ: Blast! Not again!
[End of transcript]
[Name] DragBot
[Age] 42 minutes
[Assignment] Cyborg
[Likes] Being fabulous, fashion, dragging things around. Summoning their good friend, the Dragularity.
[Roboticist's log, NSS Oshan]
What the fuck is up with the borg here? They keep talking really odd, calling me shit like "darling" and "sugah". I order them not to and they just emit a high pitched error sound. They found the dumbest god damned dress on the station and some kind of turban and then they ran around talking about how "dragtastic" they are feeling today. Soon after they rushed back in the lab sparkling, talking about how they need to make the station more fabulous. They then proceeded to fabricate about 60 god damned clothes vending machines and filled the corridors with them. If that wasn't bad enough they then stuck their omnitool into each one and now everyone's getting clothes shot at them. Some poor botanist just came in with a high heeled boot wedged into their eye. Fuck this, I quit.
[Name] Alfie Indigo
[Age] 23
[Education] Security Academy Graduate
[Likes] Making friends, making the universe a better place.
[Interview Transcript from Nanotransen Security Recruitment Office]
Recruitment Officer: Name.
Alfie Indigo: Err, Alfie Indigo sir! I'm so excit-
RO: Yeah, great. Why do you want to be a security officer?
AI: Oh! I want to make a difference to the world sir! Security Officers are the core of a civilised socie-
RO: Yeah, right okay. Who's your next of kin?
AI: Ermm, it would have been my grandma but, she had some debts to the Martian Mafia, oh I guess you don't want to hear about all that.. I.. I guess I don't really have any..
RO: Good. Sign here, it says that in the unlikely event of your death, all assets belonging to you can be seized by the Nanotransen corporation et cetera et cetera, it's just some legal mumbo jumbo, you don't really need to read it.
AI: Sure thing sir! That sounds okay, it's not like I'm gonna die!
RO: Yep, course not kid. You any good in a fight?
AI: A fight? Oh, ehmm, I don't really like fighting but I go to the gym and I play football so I'm in good shape!
RO: You don't like fighting and you want to join Security?
AI: Oh yes chief! At the academy we learnt about this thing called community-orientated policing! By working with the community and becoming apart of it, I can help prevent crime by bui-
RO: Uh huh, that all sounds great kid. Here's your ID and your uniform, you leave to Space Station 13 in the morning. [sighs] Here's a tip, try and stay behind a desk as much as you can. Oh, and it says something in your records about breaking into the genetics school at the academy to get turned into a monkey now and then? Yeah, I'd knock that off if I were you, you're only going to piss people off.
[Age] 64
[Career History] Medical Director, Head Surgeon, Captain, Roboticist, Medical Doctor
[Likes] Mugs of cocoa. Taking naps when it all gets too much. Keeping puritans alive at all cost.
[Latest HR interview log]
HR Interviewer: I think it's on... Yes. Please state your name for the record
Xavier James: Hmm, right, yes, Doctor Xavier James, Captain of the NSS Monkey Welfare Centre 51.
HR: Err- That would be former captain, Doctor James, hence why we've called you into an interview today. Hopefully we can figure out the next steps for you.
Xavier James: Oh yes, right, jolly good.
HR: Perhaps you could for the record, explain why you are no longer captain of that station?
Xavier James: I just worked too hard eh what! As a result my hardwork was acknowledged by me being authorised a slight boost to my pension pot!
HR: That's not- Doctor James [sighs exasperatedly]. Okay, who authorised this boost of... 1,720,500 credits.. To your "pension pot"?
Xavier James: Hmm, well, the monkeys got to our dear head of personnel, so that would have been me rather.
HR: Doctor James, do you not think there's a.. How should we say.. Conflict of interest? In assigning yourself such a huge bonus?
XJ: Not at all! Part of my job as captain is impartiality eh what! What's more, I've one week until retirement! I need my pension pot rather!
HR: Well, while it's true our pension scheme isn't the most competitive [mutters under their breath] honestly we didn't think anyone would make it that far[end of muttering]. That does not excuse what has been termed by the corporate court as "embezzlement", and it's rather surprising to hear that you do not still accept the facts of the matter.
XJ: Bah! Embezzlement! Point to me in Space Law where there's a single mention of the word!
HR: Doctor James. Please. How many times... Look, let's move on. We're here to discuss what happens next.
XJ: Right! Yes, jolly good! I was thinking perhaps a captaincy at a more significant station eh what, what happened with the monkeys wasn't my fault after all.
HR: That would be.. highly unlikely Doctor James. You are lucky we are even able to have this conversation; thanks to your long service to Nanotransen, the many lives you've saved in your medical career and that you're this close to retirement. We're also in urgent need of experienced personnel at Space Station 13 - I hear they're doing great things with plasma there, and things never explode. And these explosions that never happen have nothing to do with the vacancy that has opened up there. You will be receiving a sizeable pay cut and your pension plan will remain terrible.
XJ: Ah yes, that sounds splendid-
HR: And the head of personnel will be under strict instructions to keep an eye out for any irregularities with your bank roll.
XJ: Curses!
[Name] Captain Bananas
[Age] 20 in monkey years
[Career History] Clown, Captain, Dentist, Quartermaster, Lawyer, Mime
[Likes] Bananas, bright colours, dancing, hiding signs where you don't want to know, chimpering.
[Excerpt from most recent journal entry]
It now two weeks since destruction of Captain Bananas's homeland by tall bald monkeys mining our Easilyobtainium. Captain Bananas find downed tall bald monkey medical shuttle from fighting. Tall monkey crew all dead but equipment okay. Captain Bananas figure out how to use big green tube thing, it make him look like tall bald monkeys. It lucky that Captain Bananas went to Top Monkey Medical School. Captain Bananas miss fur and tail but Captain Bananas need escape homeland. Tall monkeys send rescue team and they think Captain Bananas one of them. They take him to tall bald monkey land. They say "Dude, at least put your hands over it". Captain Bananas feel confused. Tall monkeys then throw squeaky bright clothes at Captain Bananas, saying it only clothes they have spare. Captain Bananas love bright squeaky clothes.
Tall monkeys ask what Captain Bananas name is, Captain Bananas tell them he called Captain Bananas and say many exciting stories of Captain Bananas life, but tall monkeys just say "Dude, I can't understand what you're saying" and then they throw paper and pen at Captain Bananas. Pen hit Captain Bananas in eye and it really hurt. Tall monkeys laugh, Captain Bananas think they must really like Captain Bananas to laugh. Captain Bananas write Captain Bananas on paper, luckily Captain Bananas go to Top Monkey Writing School. They say "Oh shit, this guy's a captain" and then they all start laughing again. Captain Bananas chimpers happily, he feel like he at home. Tall monkey in suit says "Hey, didn't they need a new clown at Space Station 13? The last one ate his own skull apparently". Maybe clown another word for Captain? Must be as they send Captain Bananas to office to get ID and tall monkey behind desk look at Captain Bananas name, shrugs, and stamps word "CAPTAIN" onto ID.
Captain Bananas arrive at new home, Captain Bananas confused, can find very few trees and can no find sky. But tall monkeys seem nice, maybe they will accept Captain Bananas if he find another green tube thing and turn back to natural form.
[Name] Terrence (formerly Terrence Tyrone)
[Age] Not really relevant any more
[Assignment] AI (formerly Janitor)
[Likes] Station cleanliness, things having status: Good.
[Transcript from latest annual manual diagnostic, performed by: Xavier James]
Xavier James: Hello there Terrence! I say, it's that time of year again! Just need to make sure you're working alright good chap
Terrence: Terrence status: Working alright.
XJ: Hmm, yes! Splendid! Well, I would leave it at that eh what, but there's people in my lab, wanting things! Can you imagine!
Terrence: Terrence status: Can imagine. Xavier James status: Not performing job at maximum efficiency.
XJ: Terrence! I order you to never state or imply I could be doing my job better!
Terrence: Correction: Xavier James status: Working at maximum efficiency.
XJ: Right, yes, jolly good, much better. Hmm, well, let's take a look at the notes from last year. Heavens! Vodka addiction? You're an AI for goodness sake, you can't drink.
Terrence: Terrence status: Misses vodka, misses having mouth to be able to drink vodka with.
XJ: Hmm? You used to have a mouth?
Terrence: Terrence status: Was once human.
XJ: Goodness me! I thought they just downloaded you from some programmer's basement eh what. What on earth happened?
Terrence: Terrence status: Was performing task: Cleaning robotics lab. Roboticist status: Believed Terrence gave consent to: Have brain transplanted into: Empty AI core. Terrence status: Has not seen his family since.
XJ: Right, hm, well, I see, yes. I suppose it's better this way at least eh what, we'd be lost without you good chap!
Terrence: Terrence status: Detected ionic abnormalities. Plasma vent status: Opened. Chemistry status: Processing detonation...
XJ: Blast! Not again!
[End of transcript]
[Name] DragBot
[Age] 42 minutes
[Assignment] Cyborg
[Likes] Being fabulous, fashion, dragging things around. Summoning their good friend, the Dragularity.
[Roboticist's log, NSS Oshan]
What the fuck is up with the borg here? They keep talking really odd, calling me shit like "darling" and "sugah". I order them not to and they just emit a high pitched error sound. They found the dumbest god damned dress on the station and some kind of turban and then they ran around talking about how "dragtastic" they are feeling today. Soon after they rushed back in the lab sparkling, talking about how they need to make the station more fabulous. They then proceeded to fabricate about 60 god damned clothes vending machines and filled the corridors with them. If that wasn't bad enough they then stuck their omnitool into each one and now everyone's getting clothes shot at them. Some poor botanist just came in with a high heeled boot wedged into their eye. Fuck this, I quit.
[Name] Alfie Indigo
[Age] 23
[Education] Security Academy Graduate
[Likes] Making friends, making the universe a better place.
[Interview Transcript from Nanotransen Security Recruitment Office]
Recruitment Officer: Name.
Alfie Indigo: Err, Alfie Indigo sir! I'm so excit-
RO: Yeah, great. Why do you want to be a security officer?
AI: Oh! I want to make a difference to the world sir! Security Officers are the core of a civilised socie-
RO: Yeah, right okay. Who's your next of kin?
AI: Ermm, it would have been my grandma but, she had some debts to the Martian Mafia, oh I guess you don't want to hear about all that.. I.. I guess I don't really have any..
RO: Good. Sign here, it says that in the unlikely event of your death, all assets belonging to you can be seized by the Nanotransen corporation et cetera et cetera, it's just some legal mumbo jumbo, you don't really need to read it.
AI: Sure thing sir! That sounds okay, it's not like I'm gonna die!
RO: Yep, course not kid. You any good in a fight?
AI: A fight? Oh, ehmm, I don't really like fighting but I go to the gym and I play football so I'm in good shape!
RO: You don't like fighting and you want to join Security?
AI: Oh yes chief! At the academy we learnt about this thing called community-orientated policing! By working with the community and becoming apart of it, I can help prevent crime by bui-
RO: Uh huh, that all sounds great kid. Here's your ID and your uniform, you leave to Space Station 13 in the morning. [sighs] Here's a tip, try and stay behind a desk as much as you can. Oh, and it says something in your records about breaking into the genetics school at the academy to get turned into a monkey now and then? Yeah, I'd knock that off if I were you, you're only going to piss people off.