Goonhub
05-24-2014, 04:08 PM
Usual Character Name: Weedlorde Bonerhitler/Gokuboner (Thanks Monkeys 
)
BYOND Username: SpaceNaba
Recommended by (if applicable): Probably Zoldolf idk
Times Available: 11-1pm GMT+9, also maybe 10-11pm GST+9
Reason for Application (300 word minimum):
When I was a young boy, I remember there was a man. A Head of Security, a Paragon of space law. Now this man was... different. He didn't believe in the usual myriad of boundaries that common people, good people normally did. Things like social graces, dental hygiene, pushing over strangers and the farting on thereof. No, this man led me on a wild goose chase across three planets, two interstellar delis and a place with a sign that my eight-year-old eyes believed had something to do with feline upholstery. But it was the trail that led me to understand this man - A chicken coop where all the inhabitants walked funny and laid eggs that hatched into grotesque fowlmen, a space circus where Ur-Clowns would scream and honk for mercy, a frat party where all the tearful jocks would warn of a red-clad madman who ate the last slice of pizza and also drank the last can of beer.
I chased that man; battling wombats enraged over the consumption of their children, Megadeth concert-goers antsy over the welding shut of their port-a-loos, the grey tide furious at the theft of their prized prison loafer! For ten years I followed him, turning from boy into virile man, past the black holes and the exploding dogs and the general chaos and carnage that he had caused.
Finally, I caught him. He had been careless, slipping on a banana while spraying a chef with Trifluoric Acid and careening into a Discount Dan's 'Hell and Dan-nation' vending machine that promptly fell and crushed him. Pinned and dying, I saw the brief flicker of recognition in his eyes as I walked over to him and told him of why I had kept pursuit for so long. I told him about how he had murdered my father in cold blood, leaving nothing but a ticket that read 'Grife'. I told him about the madness he had sowed in his wake, about the halls smeared with feces, the all-you-can-eat buffet that was laced with spider eggs, the halls of eviscerated space bees, the cloud of methane in George's face.
I paused for a moment, allowing this to sink into him. The room was silent, save for the occasional 'HEELP-A MEE - bork bork bork!'
I told him that I didn't want to know why. I wouldn't understand the whys. I only asked him one question:
'What do you call yourself?'
He coughed, farted, burped, screamed and with a yellow grin spat his last words.
'I'm... an Aristocrat!'
Security Experience (300 word minimum):
I seem to be rolling captain a lot more often, so I'm not so much Security in that so much as a dude who sets up the engine and solars because engineering couldn't be fucked. However, most points of my Security involves going to a reported fracas, tasering all parties and dragging them all back to be interrogated (If the wrongful party isn't apparent) or brigged for a few minutes (If it is). Response to syndicate shenanigans usually involves either begging the HoS to open the Armory or the QM to get us some guns, alongside coordinating everything through the sec channel. Changeling bullshit usually involves commissioning a staff assistant to cuff and drag the suspected xeno to a chair so we can bloodtest. Failure usually involves tranq and the gibber. Lasering is also an approved stopgap.
I've always been susceptible to bribes, rolling security always gives me an internal objective of getting an NTSO uniform, complete with beret. Playing the crooked cop is fun as hell.
Aside from all that, I don't brig longer than three minutes, and if push comes to shove and a dude is up for the death sentence, I usually turn the fool over to the chapel (If a vampire) or the crew (If anyone else). I just play your regular Mr Plod, stunning rudeness and leaving tickets.
In your opinion, what are the flaws and benefits of the current security layout (brig, cells, security room etc):
Brig is oddly too secure and not secure enough. There's no way for the proles to gather outside a window and protest his inhumane treatment. However, a little time with a welder and a crowbar makes it trivially easy to perform a Houdini.
I've never seen the cells used. I think you could make them more accessible to the general public. Two rooms, a chair each with remote-buckling controls and an announcement to the crew that traitor Mcdonglord is sentenced to death, bring your pies etc. Let them inflict some proper clowncrew-420-*nOHonKS* justice. Actual executions would be frowned on, but testing new chem mixes would be okay, so long as they're funny.
The Armory is very exposed to syndi attack. But since they can't hit both that and the QM at the same time, eh.
Your opinion of Shrek (5 word minimum): What is a Shrek? A question about Shrek by any other name will sound just as dumb.
Previous Bans (While this will not affect your application lying about it will):
Two years back, got banned because I wasn't quite aware of how seriously the language rules were taken. One year back, got too bomb-happy and ended up getting job-banned from Science positions. I swear I've been banned one more time, but I can't remember for the life of me.
)BYOND Username: SpaceNaba
Recommended by (if applicable): Probably Zoldolf idk
Times Available: 11-1pm GMT+9, also maybe 10-11pm GST+9
Reason for Application (300 word minimum):
When I was a young boy, I remember there was a man. A Head of Security, a Paragon of space law. Now this man was... different. He didn't believe in the usual myriad of boundaries that common people, good people normally did. Things like social graces, dental hygiene, pushing over strangers and the farting on thereof. No, this man led me on a wild goose chase across three planets, two interstellar delis and a place with a sign that my eight-year-old eyes believed had something to do with feline upholstery. But it was the trail that led me to understand this man - A chicken coop where all the inhabitants walked funny and laid eggs that hatched into grotesque fowlmen, a space circus where Ur-Clowns would scream and honk for mercy, a frat party where all the tearful jocks would warn of a red-clad madman who ate the last slice of pizza and also drank the last can of beer.
I chased that man; battling wombats enraged over the consumption of their children, Megadeth concert-goers antsy over the welding shut of their port-a-loos, the grey tide furious at the theft of their prized prison loafer! For ten years I followed him, turning from boy into virile man, past the black holes and the exploding dogs and the general chaos and carnage that he had caused.
Finally, I caught him. He had been careless, slipping on a banana while spraying a chef with Trifluoric Acid and careening into a Discount Dan's 'Hell and Dan-nation' vending machine that promptly fell and crushed him. Pinned and dying, I saw the brief flicker of recognition in his eyes as I walked over to him and told him of why I had kept pursuit for so long. I told him about how he had murdered my father in cold blood, leaving nothing but a ticket that read 'Grife'. I told him about the madness he had sowed in his wake, about the halls smeared with feces, the all-you-can-eat buffet that was laced with spider eggs, the halls of eviscerated space bees, the cloud of methane in George's face.
I paused for a moment, allowing this to sink into him. The room was silent, save for the occasional 'HEELP-A MEE - bork bork bork!'
I told him that I didn't want to know why. I wouldn't understand the whys. I only asked him one question:
'What do you call yourself?'
He coughed, farted, burped, screamed and with a yellow grin spat his last words.
'I'm... an Aristocrat!'
Security Experience (300 word minimum):
I seem to be rolling captain a lot more often, so I'm not so much Security in that so much as a dude who sets up the engine and solars because engineering couldn't be fucked. However, most points of my Security involves going to a reported fracas, tasering all parties and dragging them all back to be interrogated (If the wrongful party isn't apparent) or brigged for a few minutes (If it is). Response to syndicate shenanigans usually involves either begging the HoS to open the Armory or the QM to get us some guns, alongside coordinating everything through the sec channel. Changeling bullshit usually involves commissioning a staff assistant to cuff and drag the suspected xeno to a chair so we can bloodtest. Failure usually involves tranq and the gibber. Lasering is also an approved stopgap.
I've always been susceptible to bribes, rolling security always gives me an internal objective of getting an NTSO uniform, complete with beret. Playing the crooked cop is fun as hell.
Aside from all that, I don't brig longer than three minutes, and if push comes to shove and a dude is up for the death sentence, I usually turn the fool over to the chapel (If a vampire) or the crew (If anyone else). I just play your regular Mr Plod, stunning rudeness and leaving tickets.
In your opinion, what are the flaws and benefits of the current security layout (brig, cells, security room etc):
Brig is oddly too secure and not secure enough. There's no way for the proles to gather outside a window and protest his inhumane treatment. However, a little time with a welder and a crowbar makes it trivially easy to perform a Houdini.
I've never seen the cells used. I think you could make them more accessible to the general public. Two rooms, a chair each with remote-buckling controls and an announcement to the crew that traitor Mcdonglord is sentenced to death, bring your pies etc. Let them inflict some proper clowncrew-420-*nOHonKS* justice. Actual executions would be frowned on, but testing new chem mixes would be okay, so long as they're funny.
The Armory is very exposed to syndi attack. But since they can't hit both that and the QM at the same time, eh.
Your opinion of Shrek (5 word minimum): What is a Shrek? A question about Shrek by any other name will sound just as dumb.
Previous Bans (While this will not affect your application lying about it will):
Two years back, got banned because I wasn't quite aware of how seriously the language rules were taken. One year back, got too bomb-happy and ended up getting job-banned from Science positions. I swear I've been banned one more time, but I can't remember for the life of me.