wow is it spacemas already

[CaptainBravo]

a worrying thud left the crew with concern
as a massive object collided with the stern
and a wave of panic swept across them
as they had been assholes towards chris kringle

thinking they were in a terrible bind
they scurried towards it only to find
that the oh so terrible and noisy commotion
was big old scott graves and his muscles of ocean

and doubtless, the crew knew
this could be no phony
for his breath smelled of peppers
and stale pepperoni

"merry spacemas you dorks," he yelled with abandon
pelting the mechanics with horseshoes at random
the crewmen that fled got a healthy dousing
of plasma, courtesy of his BFG9000

as their feeble attacks deflected off of his blubber
he pulled out an object not like any other
when he traced his fat hand across its runes
his presence seemed to take over the room

his fist met with groins
no matter the distance
the crew HAD been naughty
despite their insistence

the captain, guilty of being a comdom
was savagely beaten with his arm, left a stub
his elves, nana and zoey, joined in tandem
chanting "merry spacemas to all, and to all a good fight club"