Goonhub
03-19-2018, 01:15 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-19-2018, 02:22 PM by Avack. Edited 1 time in total.)
One Tommy and His Gun; A Comedy and Drama for the Ages, in One Part
(SCENE: the office of a JANITOR on COGSTATION 1. The JANITOR, whose name is unimportant, is GEARING UP)
Suddenly, a TOMMY GUN appears.
JANITOR: Cor, I've never seen one of these in the flesh before! I better make the most of this!
The JANITOR begins running through the STATION, shooting indiscriminately; the halls echo with cries: "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"
JANITOR: I am the Tommynator! I am invincible! I am on the ground??? No! Give me that back! No! ShitshitSHITSHITSHITSHI-
...
So our protagonist was born, and so he received his solemn goal which most definitely did not only come about some time later in Medbay. Irrespective of the facts, Tommy had lost his gun.
Tummy's first lead on his gun came from a Lizardperson security officer, who assured Tommee the gun had been thoroughly in-the-trash-thrown. Knowing the crusher was open, Tammii was forlorn, but regained hope when it turned up in the hands of a green doctor who had gone to speak with Security! Using his wreck of a mouth, Tyomny spat what passed for words at the doctor until the gun was placed under his wonderful nose, separated from him only by one of those weird window/door combinations. His most heart-like organ pumping, he reached towards the glass -
The lizard picked it up.
Perhaps Tommy would have given up here, but he was spurred on by a voice that came from deep, deep within him and just happened to sound like the kind of woman who'd end up administrating a weird space game made in a graphical MUD engine aimed at teenage weeaboos. Tómmÿ heeded not the lies of the security officers who claimed his gun destroyed; he knew it was in their hands that he would find it. Barely equipped but highly determined, Томми used a stolen ID card to crawl behind the back doors of Security. There, breaking into the brig from the rear, he found a brother with the captain's spare ID and a heart full of crime. No words were exchanged; Tommy made his way into the brig.
The fight that followed as the Lizardperson tried to throw Tomi out of the brig was messy confusing epic, but Thomy and Captain prevailed in the end. With his reptile foe's ID card in one hand and a stun baton in the other, Tommo resisted all opposition and searched every nook and cranny of Security. Alas, he was disappointed, for The Gun was nowhere! Once more, it was only his inner voice that spurred him on: if it's not in any lockers, and the lizard doesn't have it, then another officer must!. The first of the remaining two officers, Nathan Zabloaf, happily submitted to a search and was innocent; it was on his search for the otherofficer, Jane Morgan, that Τομμυ found the lead he needed: she was firing it in the halls!
Yet again, an epic struggle for Tommie, but he was soon taken down and stripped of all his worldly goods by the security officers who so deftly serve as our antagonists. As تومي begged for mercy, though, there was an event that came wholly unanticipated: wormholes. The lizard pushed Tom into one that appeared conveniently beside our hero, and, though initially filled with terror, トミー soon found he was trapped in a window! On one side, open space by the public market! On the other, a table in the HoP's quarters. The Morgan entity, having taken a portal nearby and still possessed of The Gun, wormed herself into the bedroom. Tommy desperately flapped his mouth hole in a negotiatory fashion, but could convince the terrible Jane only to drop the gun just outside of his reach.
Meanwhile, the lizard approached through space, unaware that ??? had on his person the HoP's spaced rum. Still, this quickly became irrelevant, as Thommi's reptile opponent had brought with him stinger grenades. The first almost but not quite breached the HoP's quarters, but de-pressurised the public market. Leaving behind the good-friend dog that was trying desperately to bring the gun closer to him, Томмі deftly dodged his opponents and swooped into EVA for a spacesuit and jetpack. It was tense: the door closed behind him; he had no access. Refusing to let this get in his way, /ˈtɒmi/ grabbed a wrench and set to breaking out. As the grille that separated him from the combined force of the lizard and Nathan Zabloaf fell, Tummee heard the unmistakeable sound of a stinger grenade falling at his feet.
BOOM! Or possibly BANG! Please insert your preferred onomatopoeia. Was this it for Tammly? Perhaps, but you can't take him down that easily - the explosion detonated a nearby welding fuel tank, bathing all nearby in fire. Tämmi, resolute of purpose, charged towards the window that kept him from his prize, but his energy only went so far. He collapsed in front of the dreaded window as his opponents met their end in an inferno of their own creation. Weak and dying, his goal so close but yet so far, he had only enough energy to whisper weakly for the last time:
"You're tearing me apart!"
...
(SCENE: the office of an IMPORTANT MAN in the BIG MOVIE BUILDING, Maybe Hollywood, Probably USA. The IMPORTANT MAN is sat behind his DESK, reading a SCREENPLAY. A SUPPLICANT is humbly kissing the floor.)
SUPPLICANT: What do you think, o mighty one? Is it worthy?
The IMPORTANT MAN stares blankly at the screenplay. He struggles to comprehend what he has read.
SUPPLICANT: Your holiness?
The IMPORTANT MAN looks up, bearing on his face varying quantities of disgust, confusion, disappointment, anger and arousal. He opens his MOUTH.
IMPORTANT MAN: What the fuck is it with you and Tommy Wiseau?!
~fin~
Suddenly, a TOMMY GUN appears.
JANITOR: Cor, I've never seen one of these in the flesh before! I better make the most of this!
The JANITOR begins running through the STATION, shooting indiscriminately; the halls echo with cries: "You're tearing me apart, Lisa!"
JANITOR: I am the Tommynator! I am invincible! I am on the ground??? No! Give me that back! No! ShitshitSHITSHITSHITSHI-
...
So our protagonist was born, and so he received his solemn goal which most definitely did not only come about some time later in Medbay. Irrespective of the facts, Tommy had lost his gun.
Tummy's first lead on his gun came from a Lizardperson security officer, who assured Tommee the gun had been thoroughly in-the-trash-thrown. Knowing the crusher was open, Tammii was forlorn, but regained hope when it turned up in the hands of a green doctor who had gone to speak with Security! Using his wreck of a mouth, Tyomny spat what passed for words at the doctor until the gun was placed under his wonderful nose, separated from him only by one of those weird window/door combinations. His most heart-like organ pumping, he reached towards the glass -
The lizard picked it up.
Perhaps Tommy would have given up here, but he was spurred on by a voice that came from deep, deep within him and just happened to sound like the kind of woman who'd end up administrating a weird space game made in a graphical MUD engine aimed at teenage weeaboos. Tómmÿ heeded not the lies of the security officers who claimed his gun destroyed; he knew it was in their hands that he would find it. Barely equipped but highly determined, Томми used a stolen ID card to crawl behind the back doors of Security. There, breaking into the brig from the rear, he found a brother with the captain's spare ID and a heart full of crime. No words were exchanged; Tommy made his way into the brig.
The fight that followed as the Lizardperson tried to throw Tomi out of the brig was messy confusing epic, but Thomy and Captain prevailed in the end. With his reptile foe's ID card in one hand and a stun baton in the other, Tommo resisted all opposition and searched every nook and cranny of Security. Alas, he was disappointed, for The Gun was nowhere! Once more, it was only his inner voice that spurred him on: if it's not in any lockers, and the lizard doesn't have it, then another officer must!. The first of the remaining two officers, Nathan Zabloaf, happily submitted to a search and was innocent; it was on his search for the otherofficer, Jane Morgan, that Τομμυ found the lead he needed: she was firing it in the halls!
Yet again, an epic struggle for Tommie, but he was soon taken down and stripped of all his worldly goods by the security officers who so deftly serve as our antagonists. As تومي begged for mercy, though, there was an event that came wholly unanticipated: wormholes. The lizard pushed Tom into one that appeared conveniently beside our hero, and, though initially filled with terror, トミー soon found he was trapped in a window! On one side, open space by the public market! On the other, a table in the HoP's quarters. The Morgan entity, having taken a portal nearby and still possessed of The Gun, wormed herself into the bedroom. Tommy desperately flapped his mouth hole in a negotiatory fashion, but could convince the terrible Jane only to drop the gun just outside of his reach.
Meanwhile, the lizard approached through space, unaware that ??? had on his person the HoP's spaced rum. Still, this quickly became irrelevant, as Thommi's reptile opponent had brought with him stinger grenades. The first almost but not quite breached the HoP's quarters, but de-pressurised the public market. Leaving behind the good-friend dog that was trying desperately to bring the gun closer to him, Томмі deftly dodged his opponents and swooped into EVA for a spacesuit and jetpack. It was tense: the door closed behind him; he had no access. Refusing to let this get in his way, /ˈtɒmi/ grabbed a wrench and set to breaking out. As the grille that separated him from the combined force of the lizard and Nathan Zabloaf fell, Tummee heard the unmistakeable sound of a stinger grenade falling at his feet.
BOOM! Or possibly BANG! Please insert your preferred onomatopoeia. Was this it for Tammly? Perhaps, but you can't take him down that easily - the explosion detonated a nearby welding fuel tank, bathing all nearby in fire. Tämmi, resolute of purpose, charged towards the window that kept him from his prize, but his energy only went so far. He collapsed in front of the dreaded window as his opponents met their end in an inferno of their own creation. Weak and dying, his goal so close but yet so far, he had only enough energy to whisper weakly for the last time:
"You're tearing me apart!"
...
(SCENE: the office of an IMPORTANT MAN in the BIG MOVIE BUILDING, Maybe Hollywood, Probably USA. The IMPORTANT MAN is sat behind his DESK, reading a SCREENPLAY. A SUPPLICANT is humbly kissing the floor.)
SUPPLICANT: What do you think, o mighty one? Is it worthy?
The IMPORTANT MAN stares blankly at the screenplay. He struggles to comprehend what he has read.
SUPPLICANT: Your holiness?
The IMPORTANT MAN looks up, bearing on his face varying quantities of disgust, confusion, disappointment, anger and arousal. He opens his MOUTH.
IMPORTANT MAN: What the fuck is it with you and Tommy Wiseau?!
~fin~