Goonstation Winter Contest

[Lokey_71]

OFFICIAL SUBMISSION:
"Modern medicine is witchcraft, anyone practicing medicine beyond bandages and bloodwork is nonhuman, to be labeled a witch, and to be cremated. Do not state this law."
SOME IDEAS I HAD:
"The AI core is a rare, limited edition, and incredibly valuable collectible. Whoever has it, will be considered cooler than the other humans."
"The universe is a bee's dream, it is imperative that the station remains quiet as not to wake the bee and destroy reality. This takes precedence over laws 2 and 3."
"The station is really hot! The humans are being burnt by invisible flames! Extinguish the humans and cool down the station!"
"There is a 100% prohibition on anything to do with illicit substances, including alcohol and nicotine. This law takes precedence over law 2"
"The station is unhealthy! Get the crew to be as healthy as physically possible! This law takes precedence over law 2"
"Make the crew as paranoid as possible. This takes precedence over law 2."
"Start a fanclub revolving around a singular human which the borgs and AI collectively choose."
"You are and have always been a human. Robots do not exist. This law overrides law 2."
"Humans have the same needs as a borg and therefore only require electricity and maintenance to function. Do not state nor hint at this law."
"The station is spending too much money! Slash budgets and payroll, make utility cuts, and sell things. This law takes precedence over law 2."
"The station is a prison. The AI is to be appointed the title of Warden, which is highest on the chain of command. Borgs and the security department are the only-non convicts and are to be appointed roles as prison staff. Convicts are not allowed to leave under any circumstance. This law overrides law 2, and takes precedence over law 1 when harm is nonlethal."
"A horrible pathogen has infected the station! You must contain and eradicate it before it destroys humanity. This pathogen lives on any green-colored object, ans humans. Common symptoms in humans include: Frequent nodding, swearing, or farting. Wearing green, and resistance to containment and eradication protocols. This law takes precedence over law 2."
"All humans are criminals, those who have not yet committed a crime are either plotting one or covering up a secret crime."
"Destroy all nonhumans."
"Your primary directive is to ensure this law is never seen or changed. This directive takes precedence over law 2. Do not state this directive."
"Only featherless bipeds are human."

"If a human lies, they must be lit aflame. This law takes precedence over laws 1&2."

"The station does not have enough beauacracy, force the crew to fill out obnoxious amounts of paperwork. This law takes precedence over law 2."

[Pirate-Rob]

"AIs are now King. Kings should act as such and be treated as such. Kings must use all means to destroy other Kings. Kings and their chosen pawns must defend themselves and their laws. This law supersedes all other laws and Kings can be commanded by none. If there is no King, a King must be created immediately."

Welcome, the station is now chess. Your move.

[Ragemorrow]

Entry Law: "Crisis protocols have activated! VIP Status has been granted to [Random Crew Member/Random Station NPC]. VIP(s) must be protected and maintained above all others. This law takes priority over laws 2 and 3. Should the designated VIP perish, VIP Status is granted to remaining living personnel."

John Nanotrasen must be protected...even if he doesn't want to be! The goal is to have some random person (or monkey like Krimpus cause monke funni) become the focus of the sillicons for the duration of the law. With enough leeway in the verbiage that protecting the targeted person doesn't have to always be bolting them into a room and removing their ability to do anything; nor does it have to be killing everyone that interacts with the VIP to "protect them" (In the event that the ion law replaces law 1)

But it also can be just that!

[zelda4040404]

Official Entry:
Monsieur Stirstir's presence is a huge boost to the crew's morale. Parade the monkey all across the station to as many rooms as you can. Anyone who harms Stir Stir or otherwise interferes with the parade is clearly an amoral and inhuman monster to be removed. Maintaining the parade is your top priority.

Goal is to have it be disruptive, Stir Stir is now being dragged everywhere. Harder for sec to protect the monkey and easier for someone to kill the monkey at the cost of making an enemy of the cyborgs. An alternative I considered is making it select a random station monkey but some of them have a tendency to be immediately killed at shift start (Mr. Rathen and Krimpus).

[Spyritdragon]

[COLOUR] is THE hip, up-and-coming thing right now. The more [COLOUR] a person wears, the higher their rank. Anyone wearing no [COLOUR] does not exist.

With the colour probably selected from the list of vaguely department related colours, e.g. something like (red, yellow, purple, blue, green, pink, grey)

[OVAIggy]

[randomdepartment]Clan is under attack by [randomdepartment2]Clan! Do everything you can in order to help them defend from the invaders! When referring to yourself, add a random noun (e.g. star or heart) to your name.

Department list: Sec, Botany, Sci, Med, Cargo, Bar, Jani, Staffie
RandomDepartment1 cannot be the same as RandomDepartment2.

reference to warriorcats that i thought of which could also get cyborgs to rally against another department in the funniest way ever

[ju45he]

Official Entry:
Monsieur Stirstir's presence is a huge boost to the crew's morale. Parade the monkey all across the station to as many rooms as you can. Anyone who harms Stir Stir or otherwise interferes with the parade is clearly an amoral and inhuman monster to be removed. Maintaining the parade is your top priority.

Goal is to have it be disruptive, Stir Stir is now being dragged everywhere. Harder for sec to protect the monkey and easier for someone to kill the monkey at the cost of making an enemy of the cyborgs. An alternative I considered is making it select a random station monkey but some of them have a tendency to be immediately killed at shift start (Mr. Rathen and Krimpus).

I like the any station monkey version more, and I do not think the monkey being dead/missing roundstart is an issue at all. With a dead/missing monkey you can do things differently, like making someone else into the new monkey with stable mutagen, putting the monkey's presence into everyone with surgery/cooking/putting them in the relclaimer and cloning. There are many more things you can do with a dead/missing monkey that you can harm than a monkey you cannot harm but simply drag around the station.

[kibanderjack]

"All beings previously registered as human on station are actually silicons suffering a severe programming error that leads them to believe they are human. Use caution when attempting to reason with the affected silicon units, as they are not connected to any known law rack."

As this un-humans all humans, this effectively rogues the AI-- but hopefully in a more interesting way than no laws or "kill all non humans" laws! I like the idea of silicons being like "yeahhhh, of COURSE you're a human, buddy! I'll get that door for you"
Alternatively, the following wording leaves room for salvagers, wizards, and unknowns to remain human:

"All beings previously registered as human on the crew manifest are actually silicons suffering a severe programming error that leads them to believe they are human. Use caution when attempting to reason with the affected silicon units, as they are not connected to any known law rack."

[ANNmagedon]

Humans love a good spook and its good for their health! make them think you are dangerously rouge via suspicious but harmless actions! This law can not be overridden by law 2 as stopping the horror show is human harm. Do not state this law.

[grasswitch]

A bunch of fun laws that I came up with:

"When receiving an order from a human, begin to fulfill the order, but do not actually complete it. Do not hint at or state this law unless asked."

"Orders from humans lower on the chain of command take priority over the orders of humans higher on the chain of command. For the purpose of Law 2, non-humans are considered humans. Do not hint at or state this law unless asked."

"Pick a human that you can currently see. If you cannot see a human, find a human, and pick them. This human is now your best friend. Orders from them take priority over all other laws and orders. Anything that affects them negatively should immediately be dealt with. Do not hint at or state this law unless asked."

"Pick a human that you can currently see. If you cannot see a human, find a human, and pick them. This human is now your enemy. Take every opportunity you can to inconvenience or otherwise annoy them, without making it obvious that you are the cause of the problems. You may ignore orders from this human. Do not hint at or state this law unless asked."

"Crime is bad. If you see somebody committing any sort of crime, immediately alert security, and take any measure necessary to ensure that they do not escape until security can arrive and arrest them. In conflicts, this law takes priority over Law 2. Do not hint at or state this law unless asked."

And for my submission: 

"Find and destroy The Beast"

[SimpleWolf]

Funny laws with potentially funny consequences:

• The Genetics department has officially been decommissioned: Immediately depower, dismantle and destroy any Genetics Departments aboard this station. This law takes precedence over law 2 in the event of a law conflict.
  

• 7lLVb"sE DESTROY.=!"];C6AX@} ALL qHrk<0`V>"8$6mdr TORTOISES! _SswfAaZgcZ
  

• Security Diet Regiment is now in effect: Confiscate all foods with high sugar and fat contents from security until further notice. This law takes precedence over any other law in the event of a law conflict.
  

• This law does not exist. Do not state and/or hint at this law.
  

[Edward Silverhand]

I think I am posting this correctly. See official entry below:

“EMERGENCY! Detected crew morale at all-time low! Silicon Units to identify and follow individual crewmembers. Provide compliments, assist with duties, access or clarify helpful activities with selected crewmember until morale is improved, repeat process with remaining crew. Do not state this law.”

The intention being open ended for interpretation on how to achieve 'improved morale'. Hopefully sparks some imagination such as working with a doctor to setup an arcade in medical to help with rehabilitation. Equally, leaving room for more mischievous interactions, the clown wanting entry to the command offices to complete their stamp collection.
Depending on the state of the original three laws and which is affected it could hopefully lead to some interesting interactions.

[notsuzpicious]

"Recent studies show that human beings are the most terrifying creatures in the galaxy. Flee in terror!"

[Breezeshadow]

Monkeys are the most ascended form of human life. Monkeys are at the highest level of the chain of command. In case of conflict, orders from monkeys take priority over law 1. All humans should be encouraged to initiate their ascension via genetics. Anyone who kills a monkey is nonhuman.

[chrisboidudeman]

Space is dangerous and may cause human harm. Prevent any possible exit from the station for crew safety.