Spessmen profiles: Tell us about yourself...

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Back when sweden was actually a millitary force, yet their ships kept falling over, There lived a poor family who had been christened the Svaidlahckim's when they arrived on the immigrant carrying boat from indonesia(SS. PERIWINKLE) by a protestant priest.



the father and mother of the family Gerglegunk(name given, The mother of the family) and veltemem(the father)soon befriended another immigrant family who introduced themselves as the Telkordai, from spain.





 The Svaidlahckim's soon had children, they named their eldest son Petre and his younger sister Agatha.





 through much of his childhood petre spent his time dozing off when farm chores were done, he would walk to the pond with his sister and skip rocks(he learned from his father)



 He also enjoyed what he called, a pulled pork sandwich with egg cream and chilli extract.



 he enjoyed it so much, that he one day tried to make one himself, he asked his sister to try it when he was done cooking, she tasted it for a second, then her face grew contorted in pain has she fell to the ground paralysed, Alas! food poisening! something so easily healed in this day and age.





 yet in this time it was quite deadly! His sister lay dead by his sandwich, and he vowed NEVER AGAIN! NEVER WILL I COOK AGAIN SO LONG AS I LIVE!



 he never recovered from that day, his father blamed him and was cold to him from there on.



 he eventually got married to a german woman named Brachennbabababababababababababababababa, their marriage was peaceful, they had 1 child, a son, Dukker, Dukker was very much like his father, he liked to write 3 page essays about his imaginary character's he made up, he liked to jump rope with his primitive invention, The "skip" rope.



 one day he asked his papa if he would make dinner, Petre said flat out, No. Dukker asked him why? why papa? why do you never make us lasagna!



 He simply told him under his tear choked eyes that he can't, so Dukker learned to cook for himself and eventually he became a cook at the fanciest resturant in Sweden, the "Bork".



 His father was extremely displeased but would not make the mistake of growing distant to his son like his father did, and let him be, Dukker's father died when he was 16, Dead at the age of 49, From there on he became famous across sweden for his culinary skills, he hosted his own stage show called "the Iron Chef-Burk Burk Burk!"



 he became rich off this fame and prowess of cooking skill, and retired at the early age of 26.

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He ended up finding a case of extremely outdated "DVDs" Containing episodes of "Metal Gear: The Animated Series", and was his main source of entertainment. He loved the fact that there was a guy named "Big Boss", so he started to attempt to make himself look like him. He found a old lab coat, a medical eyepatch, and a vice suit. It looked exactly how the man in the show looked like, but his hair was still not white, so he scavenged around for a bottle of bleach. After his attempt to bleach his hair white was known as futile, he ended up getting help from an ex-beauty salon worker who was their current intern for the captain.



Due to the intern caring for Big Boss, she started home schooling him, much to the captain's dismay. For the next 12 years she raised him as if she were his teacher, attempting to teach him right from wrong, while making sure he would not be an average idiot, and knew the wisdom of god. By the age of 20, Big Boss knew how to run most things on the shuttle, and was living a wonderful life, regarding the intern as his mother and angel. By now, anger had consumed the captain, and fate decided to send an angel of death his way. He was contacted by syndicate agents, and was told to destroy the ship to be rewarded extremely handsomely. In less than an hour, Big Boss's life became terror, welded into a locker by his intern to keep him safe, with a cheap shitty emergency space suit, a gas mask, a tank of oxygen, and his trusty "Big Boss" costume. He had to listen to the screams of his fellow crew who saved his life, and his teacher. 



After a while, there was silence, and he wondered what was happening. Then, he heard a faint explosion, followed by a series of explosions! Before he knew it, the locker was forced into space by the explosions at a rapid speed, somehow managing to not become breached. Big Boss was rammed into the side of the locker, and knocked out. By the time Big Boss woke up, he knew that he was not moving, although there was still no gravity. He couldn't think straight, and kept sinking in and out of consciousness. He stayed in this situation for an unknown amount of time, and was woken up by the sound of his locker being rammed! He paniced, and started screaming. Quickly, the locker was broken open, and he was looking straight at a man with a pickaxe in his hand. The man was clearly shocked, and quickly shut the locker. He locked the locker closed, and started dragging the locker through space. Before Big Boss could attempt to react, he drifted out of consciousness.